Scorned Acorns keeps it brief

Old socks and underpants. Fuck me. Why can't there be biodegradable disposable versions that come in packs of 365? I'd buy that shit. Wear that new sock feeling all fucking day. Wear it. Love it. Not happening though. Instead I come home with socks practically crusty from sweat, and gotta smell that shit once the old shoes pop off. What am I gonna do, keep that shit on all day? In my own house? Fuck no, gotta be shoeless on the ol' carpets.

It would save the loads too, laundry that is. 

-Acorned

Scorned acorns is slightly unhappy with regards to 9-5

Why can't that shit be 9-3, with mondays off. Seriously, careers are a waste. Someone needs to contact Mr. Government right away and let them know this shit should by no means be standard, or usual, or whatever. Three day weekends. That shit doesn't come often enough

It would also help in the remake of this classy sombitch. I'd see that shit on broadway if I had a three day weekend.
-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns Boycotts Wikipedia (very) Temporarily

- How may we help you today?

"I've a question about a particular set of rules on the popular site 'Wikipedia'?"

- Go ahead sir.

"It has come to my attention that there exists a qualification process for musicians to be recognized and therefore deemed 'worthy' to occupy space on said webpage"

- Is there a question here, sir?

"Why does there exist a qualification process to deem music recognizable and therefore worthy of mention?"

- I am not sure the specifics of that which you inquire.

"http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Article_wizard/Musical_notability"

- Self explanatory, no?

"Enlighten me further"

- Well, it's quite simple. And stated straightforwardly in the link you have posted. Have you read the article in question?

"I have. But my query was, and remains, unanswered"

- The specifics as to why are simple. We cannot afford to convolute our site with stubs and articles referencing artists beyond the scope of common media. 

"Convolute? A bit heavy, no? Am I to understand that an impartial third-party 'encyclopedia' is to justifiably exclude a self-proclaimed >99% of potential musical interest?"

- It's written quite clearly on the page in question, sir. I'm not sure I am able to further assist your badgering inquiry.

"I have but one more question for you."

- Being?

"Why am I talking to myself through both parties in this conversation?"

- You're tired.



Scene.

Scorned Acorns keeps it flowing.

Alright, these things never fucking work.

Sprinklers.

Just flood the base, ruining any and every bit of plant life around, can't even jump through that shit hoping for childlike nostalgia. 

If you have a sprinkler that actually works. Give it here.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns found out how it really happened.

The Bible According to Rich (World vs Richard)

 Genesis 1:1

And God, feeling a little clumsy, doth tripped upon his own feet, and as he fell, he felt the creation of the big bang. His leg, now broken, he decided it was time to put the team on his back, doe, and 12 billion years later, the earth was created. God created all the animals, but was annoyed with the apes, who spent much of their time throwing doth feces at each other, and the entirety of Eden.  Fed up, God struck down an especially unruly pair of apes, and with this strike, evolution was born. Or so he thought. Rather, evolution was realized. He strolled through the garden, thinking to himself, Hell, this is a pretty neat place. AND HELL WAS CREATED. God spent the remainder of his time upon the earth telling everyone he met that he was He. Creator, realizer, and most importantly, High on methamphetamines.   

The Bible According to Pat (Skullduggery):

Genesis 1.1

And God, looking down upon a vast empty space containing little more than a hard, dense lump of absolutely everything, said, "Let there be lots of stuff." And so came the Big Bang. God looked upon his creation and said, "Holy shit, thats a lot of stuff. A finite distance containing infinite possibility!" And ten billion years later the earth was created, mostly by accident.

Unbeknownst to God, Earth slowly blossomed and life flourished. Sophisticated beasts strolled its many fecund forests and sweeping vistas.

God, still treading his ever immense range in awe at its diversity and potential, stumbled upon Earth. Literally. The violent impact of Gods broad boot lifted high the waves of the oceans, wetting even the tip of the highest peak, and drowning all caught exposed upon dry land. Yet, a few drenched lifeforms did remain; most lucky enough to have struck out on various floating vessels for varying reasons (also, fish remained generally intact). It was from these piddling, waterlogged few (and only after many years of genetic trial and error) that came a thickly wooled man named Adam and a rather incipient woman named Eve and pretty well everyone else.

Scorned Acorns is anti-email.

Picture this:
You wake up,
You stretch, maybe scratch, maybe pull up some pajama pants and rub your right eye a little to find that there is a little crusty in there you might need to get out,
You make that click sound with your tongue against the roof of your mouth, which you then think is something you do only because its been indoctrinated as something people do when they wake up by TV sources,
You decide its too early for this deep an internal discussion and move on towards the bathroom to pick up your toothpaste.

Now what is the last thing you want to see?
Some bullshit forcing its beliefs on you, right? A label forcing its rigid convictions down your throat?

Well then what the fuck is this:

Fuck Email.
-Acorned

Scorned Acorns couldn't decide whether to use 'gripes' or a clever twist of the word 'grapes' in the opening line, so put them both here instead

Hello baby corns,

Although the title alone just about suffices my recently commissioned daily writing quota, there's a much larger vat of bubbling blood on the metaphorical stove that was my computer screen a few minutes ago.

 

(Rhetorical) In your tender adolescence, did you make an internet boo-boo that is ceaselessly echoing through the halls of your adult life?

I did. And it was a doozy.

I should start by saying the true opprobrium lies within my refusal to delete music. Armed with this knowledge even as a child, I still went well beyond my better judgement and I downloaded a fucking Helloween discography. My iTunes is now the shamed bearer of 42(!) Helloween albums.

If I could turn back the hands of time, and rectify just one mistake, equipped with the infallible foresight of hindsight, would I rush back to that awkward moment shortly after I had heard the song Halloween for the first time and thought "fuck yeah, I could totally use 462 more of their songs" and wipe the slate clean? Probably not. Seems like an awful waste of precious time travel.

Just once, I would like to retain the ability to lazily scroll between Hellhammer and Hellsaw without coasting tiresomely past 2.44 GB of music I probably don't feel like listening to.

 

 Fuck you Pink Bubbles Go Ape.

I shouldn't be too harsh I suppose. I do, after all, enjoy 8 or 9 of these songs...

I think my real issue with Helloween lies more in their refusal to placate my desires for another song in the vein of Hey Lord!. Somewhere between album number 1 and 72 (yes, thank whatever it is I believe in I don't own them all), they figured it would be best to write the lone sublime pseudo-ballad, ultimately leading me to clamber for years through the hollow crypts of albums like fucking Pink Bubbles Go Ape in the now splintered hopes of finding but a glimmer of musical fecundity. The only track I can muster the courage to solicit as having dipped the same christening waters is If I Could Fly. And I'm pretty sure I'm basing that entirely off of how good that song is at being great.   

All things considered, few bands have so successfully pulled off the drawn pilgrimage of three distinct eras of mediocrity with three very distinct front-men.

-acorned

Best read listening to "Halloween" by Helloween

Scorned Acorns continues getting off topic and jogs lazily to the end

Been a bit lazy with my writing lately it would seem, and Scorned Acorns certainly hasn't been spared from the apathetic yawn of accepting things for what they are. So, instead of caring any longer about the intermittence of my postings (which usually consist of a few slipshod pictures courtesy Google Images and an anorexic description that probably reads more like the "shake well before opening" label on my juice box than anything of substance anyway), I feel we could all benefit from digging just a teensy bit deeper into the choleric mind of an SA author.

Without further ado, I give you:

A Picture List of Things Drawing Scorned Acorns' Ire

Although I can't imagine I would find much of anything worth pursuing in this book, it's not the agent of my irascible disposition, but more the title that grabbed me; "Things We Can't Untie". More commonly known as stubborn fucking knots. Nothing makes me more self-conscious of my chubby fingers than their inability to weasel between the unyielding bind of my manly-tightened shoelaces.

Fuck unnecessarily long receipts. The whole "What a waste of paper! Save the planet! Quit smoking!" argument aside, what is the point of half of this thing (that is to say, the Safeway receipt [not pictured above] I have strategically placed beside me). It measures 62cm (24.4in) in length. Two fucking feet! Who gives a mousefart about my 3 AIR MILES. That shits alright by me, don't get me wrong, I just don't need to see how few you are going to let trickle down through the cage of my not being able to afford a vacation.

Metric measuring tapes. Fuck. Again, don't get me wrong, I stand sword in hand beside the metric system, but life doesn't. So when I'm sitting there needing an 18 3/4in length of pvc and I pick up a metric tape, fuck that. The other half isn't doing anything anyway, throw some imperial garble on there.

"Wait, what? You don't like slow cookers?"

Fuck you, of course I like slow cookers, don't ask me stupid shit. I just couldn't care less about the awkward pissing contest they inevitably beget. 

"Had my stew in for six hours today" Cool bro.

"Chopped up some veggies and hashbrowns, threw them in the ole slow, went to bed, woke up to breakfast!" Oh yeah? Good shit man

""Ten hours today! Can you believe that! Ten!" Fuck you stop it.

This picture is fucking great. Prince Harry for president!

God damn Kimbo is awesome. 

So is this.

And Phil Collins too.

Simon isn't. Fuck that game. 

The end. 

Best read listening to Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

Scorned Acorns explores The Underground Shelter Network for Long-Term Survival of Future Catastrophes

2012.

Has a nice ring to it. Just bleeds futuristic doesn't it. Twenty twelve.

Well, four weeks have passed in the countdown to the apocalypse (and in turn our impending demise), but honestly, not much has happened. Bottled water is, as of yet, readily available, concrete and steel aren't in waning supply (as the more level-headed folk rush to erect themselves a lasting "apocalypse-proof" living quarters), and last I checked, Crappy Tire still has a range of generators in stock. Hell, canned goods are still bobbing in and out of sale at every local supermarket. I, personally, am saving up thirty-some thousand american dollars for a spot in one of those ostentatious Vivos doomsday bunkers. Asteroid and nuke proof! Amenities include: swanky lounges, a bakery, deluxe bedrooms, dental facilities, a medical center, pet-pampering services, a fully stocked wine cellar, a Cryovault containing the reproductive cells and DNA of humans and animals for Earths re-population, and even a prison should evacuees become unruly! Couldn't imagine a better way to spend five figures.

Wait, what? They are building it in Nebraska? Fuck that I'd rather spend my post-apocalypse days haunting survivors than drinking champagne and eating fresh baked (corn) bread beneath fucking Nebraska.

I must say, Vivos really does have a compelling site. Offering protection from (but not limited to):

- Nuclear War
- Bio War
- Terrorism (Although the video left it out, the website features a nice Clipart airplane as its avatar for terrorism. Is that really the accepted representation of terrorism? Is that truly what people imagine when they see an airplane overhead? Remember the days when an airplane represented all the dreams and aspirations of youth? Eyes wide in awe as it soared above, seeming to defy all reason before disappearing behind the clouds. Wonder if kids are aspiring to be Vivos employees nowadays)
- Anarchy (Thought this said Antichrist. Was a little thrown by the anarcho-punk encircled A)
- Electromagnetic Pulse
- Solar Flares
- Pole Shift
- "Killer Comet"
- Global Tsunami
- Planet X
- Super Volcano (Volumes I through III)


I can't help but feel the last few were plucked from a long lost Harry Turtledove manuscript. And Killer Comet? Seriously? 

All things considered, I think the Hopi and Mayans were just pulling our once-oppressive legs.

-scorned

p.s. http://www.terravivos.com/

Scorned Acorns on Anonymous Comments

We recently received a comment:

"How much to buy?"

by an anonymous donor.

Why thank you, we here at Scorned Acorns appreciate any and all feedback, and would love to sell, whatever it is we are selling. Unfortunately, it appears you have failed to leave a mailing address, and/or your credit card info in order for us to bill you for it. I figure about 75 dollars in rolled Turkish Lira will do. or dew. You may send us 75 L of mountain dew if that is your chosen currency of course, however I'll have to check the refrigerator space here at the Scorned Acorns headquarters, as that it may not all fit unless I throw out some old moldy ground beef which i was planning on creating chili with a couple days ago.

Looking forward to our business deal,
-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns tries to enjoy chocolate bars

So there I was, sitting around thinking about charleston chew, and decide that my burning lust for one requires me to search it on the internet. This is what pops up:

some random broad's myspace page. the caption reads "remember me hitting a bird with a charleston chew? haha". the category is 'old memories <3'. What the fuck is this shit. This ruined a perfectly enjoyable search about chocolate bars and their deliciousness, I was innocent, and now I have a certain scorn about me that requires mention. Side note, what the fuck is the deal with these damned smaller-than-three symbols. Everyone is in love with these, they look awful. I don't use this term often, but I believe this woman is a tool. If you disagree, fuck you.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns stepped on a banana

Fuck bananas.

I know it seems like bananas are some kind of strange re-occurring topic here on the scorn, but I assure you that these damned yellow fetuses are hardly a subject of obsession, more a constant form of irritation. The first problem is that they are FUCKING DELICIOUS. Now normally this would be considered a good thing, but somehow bananas have managed to fuck that up, and I will explain in detail what I'm talking about.
Second, they are more than decently priced. I can hop down to Safeway and buy a seven-pack for like a dollar twenty three. Think about that for a second, that is a banana-a-day for a full week for fucking change. Bananas could almost be described as the one and only useful use for fucking change. I hate that shit too. Think of the amount of potassium and b12 you can get from a daily banana. That shit could fuel your entire soccer career. This however is where the problem begins. Green bananas suck. You gotta buy em and wait a couple of fucking days before they are ready to go, which leads to their biggest flaw: this 'green' phase is the only period of time in which the stability of said banana is anywhere near tactile. The second you actually want to consume a fucking banana, you wont be able to bring it anywhere without it getting fucking squished all over your backpack/lunchbag. Every time you get your hopes up like 'oh shit, its banana time' you open your bag only to find a mushy off-white substance has destroyed you daily planner. Albeit you may have  a pleasant smelling bag for approximately a day, but believe me, this shit grabs onto every fiber and sticks to it, and after 24 hours that smell can no longer be described as enjoyable.

The whole point is that bananas are created to let you down. All these pros crushed down by their simple inability to stay in one solid piece which is even enjoyable to peel. Imagine the situation mentioned earlier, bananas able to fully supply the energy for a soccer career ( and believe me, bananas fucking could single handily pull this off), however when placed alongside a ball and some cleats, the chances of physical survival is 0.013%. This would inevitably end in a sprained ankle or shattered tibia.
Meanwhile, here in Canada, some crazy company decided to finally solve all banana-related problems (keep in mind there really is only one problem with bananas), and invented something they call the BANANA-GUARD.

Its simplistic and pragmatic design solves all problems by ensuring that your banana will arrive to its destination both intact and completely non-bruised. This invention should have changed the world. Productivity and average energy of the population should have skyrocketed to near-Japanese levels. It would appear however that some fucking tool high up in some conspiracy decided that this would be too useful, and instantly began to spread bad publicity about these beautiful, beautiful devices. I remember being no older than 14, sitting on a gym floor eating a PB&muthafuckingJ sandwich and watching in awe as a peer pulled a BANANA-GUARD out of his brown paper bag.

Look at all the fucking colours this shit is availible in.

My jaw dropped as he opened it and out appeared the perfect banana. Before I managed to pull it all together, and congratulate him on his mother's ability to purchase such fine items, another boy began pointing and laughing at the guard. Many joined in, claiming it was the funniest thing they had ever seen, and jeering at him in such a way that he would never bring another banana to school again. This was the conspiracy working at full strength, spreading word of how 'uncool' it was. Fuck me that pisses me off. This is something that STATS CANADA should give out with their mandatory census, in order for every single Canadian to own one. In the absence of the BANANA-GUARD being widespread across the globe, bananas will stay as the most annoying fruit possible, for its taste/accessibility ratio. I know they have firmly grasped a place as a breakfast eat-at-home fruit, and for that I am somewhat pleased with them, but seriously, with the help of the guard, THIS SHIT COULD BE THE MOST USEFUL FOOD ON THE PLANET. Instead it just gets mushed into deliciously dry banana bread.

-Acorned

Scorned acorns on clean dishes

Why the fuck has a dishwasher company never been in cahoots with a plate/bowl manufacturer? None of that shit fits properly.

-Acorned

^thisneverhappens^

Scorned acorns is all-knowing

I see you there thinking you are some kind of intelligent being, I'll let you in on a secret. You aren't. Wait a second, it's not a secret. I guarantee that right now someone you know, knows you, or passed you by earlier is telling somebody else about your douchlike qualities. Stop thinking that you are the omnipresent gift of cool, and that everyone thinks you are some kind of 'cool cat'. You're not. Actually on that note, stop pondering about yourself in general, how self-centered and uncool is that? Introspective? Fuck that shit.
Don't even think about existing, or I'll go all Descartes on your ass.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns has socks.

People who try and be 'nice guys' piss me off. Well, in one case specifically. You know when you are opening a door to let yourself into a building, and someone is right behind you, so you hold the door for them? totally legit, I know. These people are 'real' nice guys, they don't think twice about it, it just happens and nothing more comes from it. The people that fucking piss me off are the people who are trying to fucking hard. I am like twenty steps behind them and they hold the door. This leaves me with two options:

1. Keep the pace I had previously decided to walk at.

2. Make a little hobble/jog towards them, and the awaiting open door.

Well, in case number one, which is far more comfortable for myself, I look like the asshole and he looks like a supremely nice guy. Fuck that. In the second situation, I would be spending more energy running than it would have taken to open the door all by myself like a big boy. Basically, it comes down to looking like an asshole and wasting precious energy, which the average internet blogger has in short supply.

I fucking hate all of you nice guys, fuck off and mind your own business and doors. 

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is back, but doesn't have a base tan

Why don't I have a silky base tan? Because I spent the vast majority of the past week holed up inside with a little case of the throat-tickles. But I'm back, because we here at Scorned Acorns are tough fuckin' cookies.

Having a few solid days curled up with your thoughts breeds more than a few antagonisms with the world. First and foremost, fuck tonsils. I haven't given much thought to them in my twenty odd years, but those fuckers fight dirty. Before I even knew we had qualms, they were big, red, angry and all up in my face. Had my lymph nodes in a tizzy too. I had more neck this weekend than Corpsegrinder:

Also, fuck this tweet(poop)deck bullshit that keeps popping up on my esteemed coworkers laptop. And even as I type this, a perfect example of the dribble I am forced to close every fifteen seconds pops up to the now familiar chirping tune that accompanies it: "A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius." Fuck that. Didn't see who said it, couldn't give a shit either way.

You know what else pisses me off? When People Capitalize Every First Letter Of Every Word Of Their Sentences. Fuck That. It Gets Tiring To Read. No, This Isn't A Song Title. No, This Isn't A Long List of Proper Nouns. Remember Back When You Had That Idiot Friend Whose Phone Decided This Was A Good Setting To Have? Fuck Your Shitty Phone And Fuck You. Speaking Of Phones, Fuck Phones. More Specifically, Fuck Rogers Wireless. I Have Somehow Incurred A $700+ Phone Bill With Them Over The Past 30 Days. I Don't Recall Phoning Home From Tehran For The Past Four Weeks... So I Probably Don`t Actually Owe You Any More Than My Regular $60-$75 Balance. Feud Accepted.

I cannot get over the fact Ross Dolan of the band Immolation looks like Fabio-gone-death metal:

Guess what else sucks. Sites like www.thingsthatihate.com. With such thought provoking hostilities as Being Bored, Wishes, and Life, you know it was only a matter of time before you came across a post like:

"I’m never going to live up to my parents’ expectations. My parents are very hard on me. I feel like having a nervous break down. I’ll never be the perfect daughter."


That shouldn't be there. That's just sad. Fmylife tryout material. I have now submitted an essay to them under the Scorned Acorns moniker, directing people to the true spite and glory that is not having your own URL.

-acorned

Scorned Acorns Responds to a previous post.

In response to a fellow scorn, there is this to say:
"p.s. fuck cats" is possibly the most boring thing ever written.
That shit is hardcore. I hate people who hate cats.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns doesn't love you

Fuck obligatory replies. When did statements like "I love you" or questions like "Can you do me a favour?" become tied, respectively, to the replies "I love you too" and "depends", which in itself is more often than not a veiled yes. I probably don't love you and I definitely don't much care to watch your shitty kid while you fetch him some apple juice.

Have you ever had someone blindly lose themselves in an awkward spazz and say they love you? And to your face nonetheless! Now you leave me sitting on the asshole throne when I don't pull you close and echo your sentiments. What gives you the right to be mad when I tell you you're an idiot? Why can't a simple "thank you" suffice? Chances are you don't mean it anyway. You just found yourself a few too many bellini's deep. Or your cat just died.



And, assuming the above is true (which it is because its the only piece of supporting evidence I am going to bother using), if I don't love you, you can't love me anyway. So you actually just lied right to my face about it. Pretty harsh bro.

PS. Fuck Cats.

-acorned

Scorned acorns on the little drummer boy

Who the hell thinks a drum sounds like pa ra pa pum pum. That shit is incorrect.
-Acorned

Scorned Acorns has too many ideas

I think if I were to sit in front of the television with a pencil and a pad of paper, the number of scorns that would require acorning would be extravagantly exhausting. Just sitting here for thirty minutes watching commercials and the KHQ news team my blood has began to boil. I am not from spokane, but if their news is on, I'm not about to look left and right for the remote to change the channel. All of my knowledge of american journalism is pretty much summed into what I have heard via the internet in the past few years.
1. CNN = corrupt. (I don't understand why, no one ever seems to want to clarify.)
2. FOX = garbage. (Yeah, I've seen clips, seems silly.)
So you can imagine that I had only the highest hopes for the level of the  KHQ spokane news team, and their coverage of Amanda Knox's return to the United States after four years of (determined) wrongful imprisonment   in Italy. What did they talk about? Depressingly, whether or not she was going to get a book deal or sign a movie contract. Fuck. Is this really relevant? Is this really necessary? Fuck. I got angry. I know her family is in severe financial debt, but really, how starstruck is the US right now? I always think people are over exaggerating when they harp on the states, but fuck, this one is really hard to defend. Is mass media really this Jaded? Do we really need all those 'contact us on facebook and twitter' reminders running along the bottom of the screen? I'm asking too many questions. I'm just trying to get my brain around what is happening. In the whole half hour news update, there wasn't any mention of the protests around the US right now, which I believe really aren't doing anything successful, but you would think they would get some press.
Whatever, TV sucks. They should just get around to creating the Criminal Minds channel, which just shows reruns 24 hours a day, specifically the double-episode featuring James mother fucking Van der Beek. That guy is bad ass.

No, this isn't him. But fucking Shemar is the fucking man.

-Acorned