Scorned Acorns' eyes hurt.

Holy fucking shit.
So there i was, just browsing blogs and supporting the overly-friendly community, when i was shot in the face by this:
http://lizziemongoose.blogspot.com/
Jesus Christ. I dare you to read a paragraph and proceed to look at anything else. I feel like my retinas have been burned to damnation. I need this woman to look up a page or two about saturation, pleasing colours, and interesting content.

She claims to be doing 365 pictures (daily) of her life in 2009. I counted about 6, but it was a novel idea and a good attempt nonetheless. Shit is hard, keeping up with life and clicking pictures of it every day is definitely a ballsy move. I would think if you thought your life was interesting enough for this kind of thing to work then you would've taken a few more interesting photos, most of them don't tell us anything, there's no riveting story, no nothing,
Actually wait, there was something.
She is calling people shmucks for not leaving comments! It's right there in the header!
Well this is my comment.

Fuck your 2009. Fuck your colour scheme.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns and people oblivious to the picture being taken

Fuck. Yes.

Scorned Acorns disagrees wholeheartedly with Hailey

http://haileyiscool.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Fuck you and your U2 reference

Scorned Acorns just had unsatisfactory toast

Fuck that. Toast should satisfy always. It's fucking toast. Fuck disappointing toast.

Scorned Acorns thinks junior high woodshop is a bad idea

See above.

Scorned Acorns and what 'Nuts' has become.

Nuts has began to bug me. We're talking about the word here. It means way too many things now and refers to way too many completely unrelated subjects. This word needs to be dropped from the Oxford Dictionary or the Scrabble Word List.
"Nuts" themselves, are GREAT! like really, pecans, fuhghettaboutit! Actually, before i can properly acorn this subject let's take a quick look at how great nuts can be.

But wait, we have to start already, because i just realized something dangerous.

Fact: "Nuts" are fantastic. But let's just have a quick second to look at what exactly a nut can be. On this "nut platter" i see peanuts, cashews, pecans, and M&M's?!? When did they make the cut to be called a nut.

Well, they aren't.

and we all know that now don't we.

So, Why are they here on this platter of nuts?

could this be why it says on the package "may contain traces of nuts"?

Do M&M's require a certain 'marinade' of nutty goodness?

Or do they just complement the surrounding nuts with their junior high mesh of colour amongst a properly salted crew?

Actually come to think of it, after that list of different nuts I see in that picture, I just realized something that could be extremely frustrating. If someone were to come up to you and offer you some 'nuts' you really cannot properly prepare yourself for the handful soon to follow, and if you are the kind of guy who expects M&M's or raisins to be considered in the offering of 'nuts' then for all you really know you may be about to receive a handful of sunflower seeds or something.

So, lets recap:

Meaning #1: The nut as a salty and delicious snackable treat which sometimes is trapped within a hard shell that needs to be (enjoyably) opened via nutcracker.

Moving on, we have the 'nut' from the fabulous carpenter's accessories manual: A small block of metal or wood with a central, threaded hole that is designed to fit around and secure a bolt or screw.

guess what, we even call them 'acorn nuts'.
These bad boys are just straight up annoying because they are for the point in a project where you have to reach to the back of whatever you're building and secure your screws, but the damned things will without fail slip out of your hands or become stripped or just barely not fit properly and the whole project can fall apart in a second.
Or how about the nut as in the insane?
These can also be referred to as a 'nut case' in some wild circumstances. Fuck. I am so happy we are finally about to get a picture like this up on here:

Yes ladies and gentlemen,  Steve Martin here portraying a nut, in a movie called mixed nuts. Oh this must be absolute comedy gold. Fuck i hate that guy and what he did to the pink panther. The only respect he deserves is for planes trains and automobiles but i still believe that would have been better with anybody else.

If I were to be talking to a psychiatric doctor and he was to ask me the question: "Would you like to see my nuts?" The question could be taken way too many ways and my brain and the hope for mankind itself that it holds would be blown away in milliseconds.
Wait, is that a reference to yet another nut? yes! of course! THE TESTICLE. apparently these are also called the 'nuts' so how else are you supposed to take it?
We need more examples.
"As he turned the nut, the nut was hit in the nuts by a barrage of nuts."
Fuck this is way to confusing. WHY didn't they just come up with more words? why must we repurpose old ones again and again? God damn this annoys me.

Another thing on nuts,
Those damned things people hang out from behind their trucks, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. They are grotesque, inconsiderate, and just straight up ugly. When I see someone with them hanging off the back of their truck I will in fact make note of what the driver looks like as that I can describe him later to anyone willing to listen to my soapbox rants in great detail and let everyone know just how big of a turd this guy truly is.

My blood is already boiling. Can you not automatically tell that this man is in fact a giant douche. Holy shit he is a testament to the fall of mankind, this is the reason we can't have nice things and THIS is the reason alcoholic women exist, they have to deal with this shit as mating partners.

Fucking

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is eating dry cereal

Fuck. I just looked in my fridge. Score! Two litre carton of Dairyland just begging to drown some Honey Nut's. So like an asshole I leave it sitting there, while I go gather myself a bowl and cereal. Spooned up and everything. Go back into my fridge, and guess what? The fuckin milk might as well be empty. Hardly enough to inconvenience me if I spilled it on the floor. No worries, its Tuesday, there must be a reinforcement carton in there somewhere right? Fuck. Nope. Now, granted, I am probably the person who put it back in the first place. But still, who the fuck does that? So here I sit, eating a bowl of dry cereal. Which isn't actually too bad. But I still have the spoon poking out of the side of the bowl, looking deflated and defeated, as I pluck each little hoop out two or three at a time.

Let me bring you back a few weeks. Had a hankering for some OJ. Opened the fridge. Fuck yeah! Pulpy goodness basking in the casual ambience that is fridge lighting. As a man whose relationship with orange juice borders on obsession, I was quite pleased with my finding. This was short-lived. There wasn't even enough in there to drip on my tongue in a pathetic attempt to satisfy, if even for a moment, my desire for a cold glass of orange juice. Again, pretty sure I put it there. I do do this alot. But honestly. Fuck that.

Scorned Acorns: "Dude, I got it"

To people who say they got it, when they definitely didn't have it: fuck you.

"Got it? We can stop for thirty seconds so this fridge doesn't come flying down two flights of stairs with me in tow"

"Yeah man, I'm good don't worry"...

As you and your fridge careen down two flights of stairs

Really not much more to say here.

While we are on the topic though, same goes for jokes, stories and wit infused memoirs.

"Two penguins were in a bathtub, one said 'hey, pass the soap' and the other said 'what do I look like? A Toaster?'"

....."Get it?"

"Yeah man, lolz I got that shit"

(shit eating grin and awkward, confused sway)

Get it?

-acorned

Scorned Acorns just found a shitty blog

http://jojo-lyons.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

-acorned

Scorned Acorns and the disappearance

God damn it. Corked wine is so much cooler and more satisfying to open than this screw-top bullshit thats sweeping the globe. Seriously its about time the earth changed their minds on cloning, and started cloning some fucking cork. We would never run out. This bullshit could stop. We could all enjoy opening wine again.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns on old men with tools.

Screw any nice old man with a tool, No way in hell am i getting anywhere near that scene.

check it.

Old man Scenario

Oh.. oh my.. isn't that sweet. A lovely old man holding his flower or some sort of weed or shrub. (its an old man, who knows) This deserves a Colon End Bracket happy face. :)... Or does it?

Not so nice now is it!? Can you honestly tell me you would approach this man if he were standing there like that?

1. Where did he get that shovel? ( bet you he doesn't know)

2. Is that his Garden? (bet you he doesn't know)

3. Why is he holding it like that?

4. And Why is he looking at you?

old men with tools. No thanks.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns and Improper Titles

God damn, this ones a doozy.
I may not even be able to finish it in one go, i may have to come back to it later with more additions, because we are surrounded by this shit.
Here's the big one. My fingers are actually dreading the movements of my fingertips as we get closer and closer to the inevitable.

Titles that lie.

I looked.
Guess what.
This store does NOT actually sell

1. Mattresses (or as we common folk call them: Beds)
2. Baths (or Tubs or Jacuzzis)

So why this store has been called this is beyond me

thats all this store should be
Beyond.

And lets just get into what "Beyond" entails.
Pizza Rollers
As seen on TV bullshit like the snuggie
stress balls
sneeze guards
george formans
like FUCK! are you kidding me?
My beliefs of 'beyond' lies in the beautiful words of a beautiful man:

Somehow, "To infinity and Pizza Rollers!" just doesnt have the same flow.


-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns and people thinking this snake is a dog

-acorned

Scorned Acorns: "We found Rob."

Alright, so thanks to some crazy 4chan-like internet sleuthing shit we discovered the true identity of "Rob".

No he is not from the united states, as we first had believed.
No he is not Rob Schnieder (fuck spelling that name correctly.)
No he is not the first picture of the google image search 'rob'
No he is not the kind of person we need to worry about.

we found him lying in a depressed lump atop our roommates bed.
He is in fact, one of our roommates.
Never before would I have suspected him to have a google account.
Never before have I ever felt more hate to anyone in the history of mankind.
He doesn't even deserve a description.
All I will say on the 'rob' matter is:

Fuck.

-Acorned.