Scorned Acorns just had a nostalgic moment. Fuck you shampoo.

Bullshit no more tears.
Pretty sure I never used Johnson's though. I thought I had learned early the lessons of good ol' Pert Plus 2in1:

"Probably just as painful so close your fucking eyes kid".

Scorned Acorns needs replacement balls ASAP

Me: "Sweet! Whats that? Weapons and Warriors? Fuck yeah that looks cool!"
The Internet: "Yeah! Its a simple action board game where you lay siege to a castle!"
Me: "You do what!? That sounds bad-fucking-ass. How do you play?"
The Internet: "Well, first off you pick between manning the attackers (who are stationed opposite the castle and are shitty so don't pick them) and the castle defenders."
Me: "Excellent! Where to from there!?"
The Internet: "You simulate a castle siege by flinging small orange balls around the room out of cannons and trebuchets and giant ground crossbows!"
Me: "...so it's the game Siege?"
The Internet: "Siege? I have hardly a picture to prove it exists!"
Me: "Fuck you I found one."




And look, the fucking box is almost identical. My only question here is why? Why did they have to go and name the game twice? What fucking purpose could that possibly have served? My best guess in the manner is that Siege is the Canadian version. I come to this conclusion for two reasons. One, I live in Canada and I am looking at my fucking Siege box right now (anyone have balls I can borrow? Lost all mine sometime over the years and now this fucking thing is useless and upsetting). Two, 'LE JEU DE BATAILLE À SON PLEIN!'. Thank you Canadian Consumer Packaging and Labelling Regulations (C.R.C., c. 417). Doesn't SIEGE sound way fucking cooler than shitty Weapons and Warriors anyway? Weapons and Warriors could be any shitty game. But SIEGE! You know when your fucking nine and one of the neighbour kids comes runnin' up and down the block gettin' everyone stoked to come to his fuckin' birthday and play some SIEGE that its gonna be bad-ass and your birthdays gonna pale in comparison. Its like the kid whose parents were top-fucking-notch (love you mom and dad) and got them one of these:



Yeah, a fucking Astrojump! Oh my me. How fun was a fucking Astrojump!? Chuck E Cheese, or an Astrojump? Astrojump is right. Not to knock Chuck E Cheese. That place was (and probably still is) fun as fuck. Off topic, but warranted. Back to SIEGE. I think we can all agree it is the better name, especially for this particular game. A game whose sole purpose is to give you the means to fling balls out of scaled down siege machines at little plastic men to make them flip through the air laughably, all the while slowly chipping away at giant stone fortifications. Who the fuck are the warriors anyway? The little plastic dudes scattered about the "board"? Yeah right, not on my watch they aren't. Were they just worried about stiff competition over the name Siege?:



That appears to be a board game involving rock, paper, scissors...
-acorned

Scorned Acorns and Improper Titles

God damn, this ones a doozy.
I may not even be able to finish it in one go, i may have to come back to it later with more additions, because we are surrounded by this shit.
Here's the big one. My fingers are actually dreading the movements of my fingertips as we get closer and closer to the inevitable.

Titles that lie.

I looked.
Guess what.
This store does NOT actually sell

1. Mattresses (or as we common folk call them: Beds)
2. Baths (or Tubs or Jacuzzis)

So why this store has been called this is beyond me

thats all this store should be
Beyond.

And lets just get into what "Beyond" entails.
Pizza Rollers
As seen on TV bullshit like the snuggie
stress balls
sneeze guards
george formans
like FUCK! are you kidding me?
My beliefs of 'beyond' lies in the beautiful words of a beautiful man:

Somehow, "To infinity and Pizza Rollers!" just doesnt have the same flow.


-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns on Teddy Bears

They are cute,
They are cuddly,
And some may say they have no place on a site such as this.
But here they are by popular demand:

Teddy Bears.

Now personally I have nothing against Teddy Bears as a whole, in fact i still have mine lying on the couch in my room. What i do have beef with is people who seem to not fully understand what a 'teddy bear' is. I am here to set things straight once and for all. 

You'll all thank me when your kid goes over to their friend's house and their friend shows them their favorite 'teddy bear' and your kid doesn't roll their eyes in disgust of the mistreatment of the world and grow up to be some kind of loner blogger type of asshole.

People of the world:

THIS IS NOT A TEDDY BEAR

All my life I've been plagued by people besmirching the beautiful art of the teddy bear. Be it a six year old cousin or a twenty four year old love interest its always the same. 

"Can i show you my favorite teddy bear?"

 "Yeah sure, whatever."

"Well, where is it?"

"This is it."

*facepalm*

This shit is a STUFFED ANIMAL. My Winnie the pooh bear takes a hit of shame every time some worthless piece of plush is brandished with the title he shares with many other memorable characters such as the marmalade guzzling paddington bear:

fuck that is one bad-ass bear.

Now i know both apes and walruses are in fact part of the animal kingdom we all refer to as "the shit", the reason i used them as examples were the fact that i couldn't stand looking at any of the other pictures of 'teddy bears' i could find out there in the beautiful world of google's search engine.

So basically, teach your kids to know it. They have a stuffed animal. Not. A teddy fucking bear. They are below the bear on the sewing food chain.

Its on plushies.
Its on.

-Acorned.