Scorned Acorns is talking to itself.

I know right off the bat you are clearly pondering one thing. Is this going to be another 'fuck movies' rant? Well, in a way, yes. Fuck movies, they're bullshit. In movies (typically comedies) they like playing with the ideas of echoes.

no, not the Pink Floyd musical extravaganza, I'm talking about the phenomenon of sound reflecting off of large inanimate objects (typically the morbidly obese) and returning to the source of the sound after traveling the speed of sound over the distance between the two.

Fig. 1:

Now, in movies, clever television shows, and sometimes comic books, the echo is usually utilized when a character (typically the protagonist) screams to the heavens in disgust, and the echo bounces back the same "Fuuuuuuuuuuucckkk" or something of the sort.

I, finding myself to be one of those overly clever tv shows, like to try this from time to time and yell something at a hill, volcano, building, or fat dude: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!"
and I am greeted with an overly simple and annoying: "CCiiousss" sound.
Fuck movies, echoes suck.
Why are they so lazy?
Can it be that this hill has spent so much of its time merely existing that it no longer cares to respond to my excellent choice of lexicon to badger and shake its very foundation?
Sometimes in movies they will even go far enough that the response will be something different or a witty response to the man screaming at the heavens. BULLSHIT. That doesn't happen and will never happen, I hate them. Fuck you movies stop leading me astray. Reminds me of trying to fly after watching peter pan, that shit doesn't work either. I'm stressing about this, i hate you reverb and i hate you echo. Stop bothering to even exist if you aren't going to do it right. It's about time someone told you this, so fucking pick up your game man, its getting old.
That is all.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns and Armie Hams

A few hours ago I was browsing the web and came across the name Armie Hammer. Short for Armand Hammer. What a sweet name. Found out he is in The Social Network. So I watched it. The movie wasn't half bad, but fuck that guy. Fuckin' Winklevii.

Scorned Acorns cannot believe what just happened

So, after receiving an angsty text about the movie Bandslam (a movie I thought I'd seen... definitely not), I felt compelled to sit down in front of my Shawbox and throw it on. Worst. Fucking. Idea. Ever.

Just watch it and bristle.

Scorned Acorns has wasted yet another two hours

I did it. I sat down and watched the movie Splice.

Fuck.

I have absolutely nothing to say about it besides:

A) Do not watch it. Its roughly equivalent to when you have a craving for something but you can't put your finger on it and you keep checking the fridge every few minutes hoping something new and magical has appeared in there, only to be shot down in utter disappointment each time.

B) Adrien Brody has some passionate sex with the creature¹. Really, if you are planning to watch you might as well just skip ahead to this scene. It's actually really fucked up if you think about it. Whatever happened to Angels in the Outfield Adrien?

C) When the thing is first born(?), I fuckin' wanted it. It looked like a goofy, awkward, hairless wallaby/turtle crossover (or splice! fuck yeah! see what I did there?). Not for long though folks.

D) Finally, there are these slug-like creatures that are supposed to be bioscience's Romeo and Juliet. Instead they shred each other apart in an epic bloodbath. Highlight? Naw, still doesn't top the 'Adrien fucks an alien' headline potential.

Had more to say than I thought, all easily summed up as fuck this movie. Besides the creature muffin buttering. I wonder what that has to say about me.

-acorned

1. He tries to rationalize it by saying his wife used her DNA in the thing, which she did, but who gives a fuck. He fucked the thing. It had a tail. A bad-ass fuckin' tail actually, but a tail nonetheless. And it vocalized through those alienesque clicking noises. Based on those two facts, however human in appearance, not okay to bone. It looked like a chicken fucked a fish, who in turn laid pipe in Hilary Swank (which in and of itself is bad enough).

Scorned Acorns asks you to ignore tense for five minutes

So I just spent the better part of my morning watching the movie "Fakers" (not the 2004 Richard Janes film of the same name, much better). Start to finish. About fifteen minutes in, I had already begun to question my motives behind watching it. I was consciously aware by the thirty minute mark how bad this movie is, but I soldiered on. It was around this time I realized it was probably a Canadian movie. Not sure what gave it away. The pen with the words "Montreal Police" inscribed on it? The fact they dealt solely in Canadian twenty dollar bills? Or the fucking description being: "Three Canadian students start a counterfeiting operation that soon spins out of their control"? Regardless of what it was, at some point I was tipped off.

Anyway, the movie did have one redeeming quality. Ironically enough, this was just further proof to how bad this movie is/was. They kept referring to the unstable meth dealer as "The Lesbian". I think they explained at some point why, but I wasn't really paying attention. Lesbian dude had a sweet posse of one too. Some random rowdy black guy who leads you to believe for nearly the entire film that he only speaks French. This is until lesbo tries to shoot the annoying rich kid, misses, and lesbobuddy says "You missed! What the fuck!". Now thats fuckin' bad-ass.

So the storyline goes as follows. Shy smart guy gets caught up in spoiled cousin's owing lesbo money. So they do the obviously Canadian thing. Start printing perfectly counterfeited twenties. Some random babe¹ stumbles in on this, and joins the counterfeiting ring (but really does nothing to further it), adding a little visual spice to the mix. She was actually a babe too. In a "I'm a closet clepto, and I might be 16" sort of way (apparently she was a clepto). Shy smart dude (who by the end of the movie is an Olympian swimmer?) and pouty lips have some sex. Cuz and lez's ex girlfriend² have some sex. Actually starting to sound like a pretty good flick.

Meanwhile, this entire time, there is some sweaty (ex?) cop working at the school, who slowly figured out what was going down. Took him a little over an hour screen time, but he was pretty on the ball I'd say. He seemed a little on edge though. Maybe just a little hard done by? Anywho.

Somewhere along the way, they lose the original nine or so thousand dollars they counterfeited, so they make sixty thousand more. Not a bad rebound. Ole Methy Mr. Sapphic is involved in this second batch somehow, so of course they forget to print both sides of the bills. Just left the backs completely blank... Sounds like a pretty honest 60k mistake if you asked me. Methy, for obvious reasons, wasn't too pleased, tries to shoot cuz point blank, misses. Enter billingual black dude. Enter school cop (from where I am not sure) looking like he just hopped out of the shower. Vaseline maybe? Anyways he was good and shined up. Cop shoots Lesbian and friend. Not-so-shy-anymore guy and cousin get arrested. For some reason the cop driving the car is just a huge douchebag for the minute or so they are in said car. Enter angry fathers. Yadda Yadda Yadda (Why is spell check trying to change Yadda to either Haddah, Saddam, or Addams?). Oh, the hot chick was MIA for the last thirty minutes. Not really sure what she was up to.

Here is where I got really confused (hopefully you were following until now, but I won't bank on it). Formerly-shy dude apparently comes across a "get out of jail free" card, and goes back to being kind of shy. Cuz is facing some hard time, with bail set at twenty grand. So shy guy counterfeits a preexisting, and random as fuck, twenty grand check from his mom³, and bails slappy out. The two of them get picked up at the courthouse by pouty lips, and proceed to (maybe? they honestly don't really explain whats going on) buy a house in some other country. Cuz gets arrested for counterfeiting what look to be passports but doesn't serve time. Instead lands a cushy job with the RCMP (So maybe they are still in Canada?). They give some story about pouts getting married and using her kids to steal inconsequential items from Walmart. Finally, the main man ends up in Bolivia or some shit swimming under a fake Spanish name before "fading into obscurity". They seriously said that. Or something really similar.

All in all, a great movie. I would definitely check it out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is the second time I have seen it. Start to finish. No jokes. Also, just found out it was a TV movie. Fuck yeah! I just wrote this listening to Kim Mitchell's greatest hits. How fuckin' awesome am I right now? Fuckin' awesome, I know.

-acorned

1. She won a Leo. Not for this movie, but still. How do you top a fuckin British Columbia film and television award?

2. She is randomly scattered through the first half of the movie. I'm not really sure what her deal is though. Shes hot and in a bra for the brunt of her scenes. Not much else to say about her.

3. The mom skips town right before the opening credits. Apparently she taught timid kid some basic counterfeiting skills. A surprisingly important character.