Scorned Acorns Rambles about memberships

How many different memberships do you think you have in your life right now? 15? 20? 

Try more like 100. Check the graph:

Honestly, think about every store you've ever purchased anything at, chances are, you are a member. 

I mean fuck, I realized this week that apparently i have 'plum rewards' points for chapters, which i have no idea when i signed up for it, but also weird 'best buy dollars' or something...which i was aware of but had no idea that it expired, it takes 30 days for it to come into play and then it only lasts 30 days...what the fuck is the point of this system in the first place? i just don't get it. They don't even tell you what its good for.

Congratulations! you have 675 plum points!

Fuck i hope that means i also have (hidden somewhere) 914 banana points. I got to be honest here i don't eat many plums, they never tickled my fancy but if I get 914 free bananas at some point in my life then i think i'd be pretty pleased about my purchases at banana republic. 

ON TOP OF THIS what the hell do plums have to do with a book store? i really don't get any of this.

What ever happened to good old fashioned promotions like paper Canadian Tire money, every one has thirty five cents, and never uses it, but gad damn it looks great in a wallet doesnt it? 

I'm scared to know how many random stores have my phone number or email address on file for the one time i purchased something tiny from their stupid place yet had to know my information. Get it over with already, put a chip in my thumb and let that track me and be my bank account, at least that will at least make me feel like a cyborg. 

Wow talk about ramble. sorry about this. 

Fuck you gumby.

                                          

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns wonders what to watch

So there came a point in my life (sometime between realizing boobs and understanding South Park) where I grew weary of the Big Brother's and CSI Miami's steady prime time takeover, and quickly found comfort in the wholesome humour of Family Channel. With reruns of shows like Radio Free Roscoe, A.L.F., Kim Possible, PB&J Otter and Boy Meets World in full swing, I had discovered my fallback channel. Things only went downhill from then. Slowly at first, with a new round of shows marking the era of Life With Derek (no Boy Meets World, but watchable), Phil of the Future (Quirky, marred only by the fat, loud-mouthed kid sister of the title role) and 8 Simple Rules (a show that went entirely downhill itself after the passing of John Ritter). Still, I watched, and I enjoyed. Late night broadcasting at its finest.

It was hardly to last. Ever so suddenly these shows drowned in the wake of a seemingly abrupt program shift:

-Cory in the House? A show about Raven's (That's So Raven, Cheetah Girl etc.) fat, scheming younger brother masquerading as a drummer, alongside a slapdash cast consisting of Meena (a culturally confused, emotionally oblivious "Bahavian" immigrant), Sophie (otherwise known as "America's Angel"; an unbearable shriek of a preteen clearly written to piss me off), 'Stickler' (a gadget-wielding, pomaded, soon-to-be tweaker son of 'agent 001'), Ms. Samuels (an undersexed, middle-aged, bird-calling secretary I cannot for the life of me decide is sexy or not), Candy Smiles (enough said), redeemed only by Newt (the reincarnation of Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Chef Victor (a character written in entirety around two catchphrases), President Martinez (one of the premier characters of our age) and Becky (the assistant manager at 'Cheese In A Cup', who looks shockingly similar to Kate Miccuci of the musical duo Garfunkel and Oates).

-Suite Life on Deck? Did Suite Life of Zack and Cody really need a spin-off? All I can really say is thank fuck for Mr. Moseby and Arwin Q. Hawkhauser.

-Jonas? ...couldn't have expected much anyway. Although I do have to say, 'Lovebug', is a catchy fuckin' song.

-Hannah Montana? Didn't really have a choice but to mention it I suppose. It could be worse. Although that Mitchell Musso kids face really freaks me out. Honestly it might just be the haircut, but if he ever decides to come around my place, he runs the risk of my reflexively kidney shotting him for fear Nur-Ab-Sal has sent a lifeless demon minion to consume my flesh.

Photo courtesy of http://www.uglymales.com/wc/

-Imagination Movers! Okay, this show is fucking great. I have spent six frantic months trying to find it, solely to be reunited with the friendliest looking man I could ever imagine seeing:



-Sonny With a Chance? I really wanted to crack the wit here with my own unfortunate Sonny pun. However, I can't seem to get myself beyond 'Sonny Side Up'. Not doing it for me either. This show sucks.

-Zoey 101? Insert baby joke. Insert social commentary on the pressures of being a child star. Comments on anorexic roommate and question her necessity on the show. Cliché science geek, token black dude, oblivious principle... we have a show.

What the fuck happened? Horatio Caine, you have gained a viewer.



Ahh, feckless banter, how I have missed you so.

Sidenote: Kate Micucci actually plays the Cheese In A Cup girl. Fuck. Yes. Google - 1, Family Channel - 0. You would think Garfunkel and Oates to be a bit vulgar for family channel. Kind of like Bob Saget on Full House.



-acorned

Scorned Acorns on pause buttons

I would just like to take this time to thank you for taking center stage.



You can just see it written all over his face:
"This is my moment, my moment"


-acorned

Scorned Acorns: Pu pid. les ar zz e Stu

Interesting guy #1 - Hey man, what are you up to?

Interesting guy #2 - Meh, just working on this puzzle, wanna help?

Interesting guy #1 - Uhh... Yeah bro! lets do it up.

Interesting guy #2 - Dude.. what are you doing, find the corners and then do the sides first.

Interesting guy #1 - Oh okay yea for sure.

Interesting guy #2 - Okay why would that piece go there? look at the box. put that one in this pile.

Interesting guy #1 - Oh, ha yea my bad man, my bad.

Interesting guy #2 - okay you can't just jam them in your going to ruin it.

Interesting guy #1 - sorry man, i thought it was gonna fit.

Interesting guy #2 - Okay fine man, but your busting up my puzzle so... come on.

Interesting guy #1 - Okay okay, didn't think it would be that big of deal sorry.

Interesting guy #2 - Yeah well, my mom got this for me alright?

Has this or anything like this ever happened to you?

Well if it has your not alone...

Im not here to bash on puzzles boards, I actually like puzzles, most of them anyways.

But isn't it odd how there seems to be this un written rule on how to actually go about completing them? And if you don't know these rules then you are officially a jack ass.

Did the first fucking puzzle ever made come with a damn instruction pamphlet in it? explaining how to do puzzles, because if so, i will gladly retract everything I'm about to say! Did I miss this class in my life course in Junior high? Or when I went to pre-school did my teacher peg me as a jack ass from day 1 and decide to not even bother?

"Oh there goes little chappell... oh.. oh aww, he just tripped on his shoelace. Well, ill just put this puzzle away... "

Fuck it...Im just going to start framing all my 4 x 4 kinder puzzles, and start hanging them on my wall.

Interesting guy #1 - Its a fucking kinder surprise..

BAMM!

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns doesn't like bananas anyway

Two very similar, very distracting incidents have occurred recently involving the word 'banana'. The first dire occasion came not two weeks ago at work, when I asked my esteemed coworker Daniel to jot down a reminder list of tools for his crew the upcoming week. Afterwards, I asked young Daniel if I could glance his list to ensure I had not left out anything of importance. He offered me back a borderline illegible wet mess of paper reading something similar to:

- Half-moons
- Power-edgers
- Underlay
- Pins/staples
- Hammers
- Bannana Knife

Bannana knife? Are you kidding me. Fuck. Didn't even have the heart to call him out on it. This brings me to no more than fifteen minutes ago, when, entirely upon an unsubstantiated whim, I plugged "birthday cards" into the google image search engine, and after a minute or two of scrolling, up popped:



Fucking bannana!
How discouragingly serendipitous the finding of this second 'bannana' has been.

Scorned Acorns states its position on most things

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns vs the hair situation

How did hair come to this?
Think about it, I'm talking cro magnon here, it all started as a means to contain a little extra heat right? then for some reason the renaissance hit and everyone decided it would be better to wear someone elses hair because it was in the fashion to have some long ass white curls in order to impress each other. Come to think of it I'm not sure if it was even real human hair, it may have been some that belonged to an old horse, or fake hair made from god knows what, and it's said it was to help with the smell of bi-annual washed bodies, but still the thought makes me shiver. Then what happened? the fucking 80s.

Corey fucking Feldman. Goddamn.
So, now it happens that we live in the twenty first fucking century, in which the original purpose for hair seems to have dwindled since its pretty easy to find a toque these days and slap it on, and now we feel it necessary to cut it at least once a month in order to stay 'fashionable'. So, what could possibly follow all this up? Perhaps someone who could probably sell each strand of perfect hair for a cool million? well, yup, you guessed it.

The Bieber.

Women (typically of the <12 variety) flock to this man (and to his hair) like he is destined to be the next Tom Selleck (which is one moustache this page will never disgrace). My point is that it's bullshit. And what's worse is that he knows it. He recently cut it all off. And my problem with it? I KNOW ABOUT IT. SO DOES LIKE HALF THE FUCKING WORLD. Fuck. why?
Fuck you hair.

You know what else? I just realized that bald men everywhere are in the exact opposite situation but are still freaking out about their lack of hair because they can't go get it cut once a month. Fuck.
Hair is fucking up everyones shit right now.
It's going to take over.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns read it in a big book

Contrary to popular opinion.

Scorned Acorns wishes to put their balled hand against your nostril, with velocity.

Lets just pretend for a second. You are just born. You push your way out into the world only to find your eyes and mouth filled with sand. You take several groggy steps to find your legs. It is fully expected of you to be able to crawl. You push your frail body a few inches towards a loud rumble in the distance. A few of your brothers and sisters are making those same first steps. In a matter of minutes, thousands upon thousands of tiny creatures exactly like yourself are popping out from the sand in utter chaos and confusion. Your instincts are driving you towards the crash in the distance. Overhead, screams of alarm are issued by something you cannot see nor comprehend. Fear encompasses your entire being. You frantically push yourself forwards, faster and faster. All around, an orgy of noise and violence. Streaking white flashes condescend to the ground, plucking your brothers and sisters by the hundreds. Their terrified screams fill your ears as they are consumed by a swarm of winged mongrels. The Luftwaffe above dives and dives again, somehow missing you, as you continue to pump your tiny body. The rumble is closer and closer. Soon, yet somehow not soon enough, you feel a cold, refreshing, wet underneath you. One of the lucky few, you are free to swim freely into the ocean.

Sea Turtles have a rough childhood.
You do not.
Fuck yourself.

Scorned Acorns vs Wisdom Teeth

See those things coming in from behind? YEAH, wisdom teeth baby.
Hey, guess what else, THEY ARE NATURAL.
Humans tend to grow these things after being alive for a little while.
Twenty-First Century humans tend to grow these things, get freaked out, yank them, and then complain about the pain because there are two gaping holes where they once were. But hey, good thing you avoided all that unnecessary pressure that was no doubt going to eventually push on the rest of your teeth because your jaw isn't capable of handling something it has been growing for a couple millennium. Sounds like a cash grab to me, but it would appear that most people actually get worried if you tell them you still have yours.
"you know that your teeth are gonna get crooked and hurt right?"
Well, when and if that happens I'll deal with it, kind of like how I expect to deal with old age and other NATURAL sensations in life.
I'm not sure if i've made any sense up until this point, so i figure this is a perfect moment to segue into this:

wat.

I found this while doing research on this wisdom teeth topic. Yes, we at Scorned Acorns internet sleuth before posting, and this is sometimes what we are given in return for our hard work.
What the fuck does a cat have to do with wisdom teeth.
And why is it brushing its teeth with a toothbrush?
And why is the internet plagued with these sorts of images. Everyone makes fun of cat photos on the internet, but they still seem to appear in throngs.
I imagine there must be like two guys in a basement somewhere taking photos of their grandma's cats in non-cat positions and posting them online thinking they will lead the revolution against the government's oppressive ways in lieu to cats.

What?
I keep losing my train of thought.
Too much background noise.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns on this fake acorn.

This acorn is clearly a fake. its a hoax. Fuck that shit. If someone didn't know what an acorn was and they searched acorn on google this would show up and they would be forever given a false knowledge of what an acorn is.

Representations of acorns is not worthy of acorning within the acorn. Acorns.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is talking to itself.

I know right off the bat you are clearly pondering one thing. Is this going to be another 'fuck movies' rant? Well, in a way, yes. Fuck movies, they're bullshit. In movies (typically comedies) they like playing with the ideas of echoes.

no, not the Pink Floyd musical extravaganza, I'm talking about the phenomenon of sound reflecting off of large inanimate objects (typically the morbidly obese) and returning to the source of the sound after traveling the speed of sound over the distance between the two.

Fig. 1:

Now, in movies, clever television shows, and sometimes comic books, the echo is usually utilized when a character (typically the protagonist) screams to the heavens in disgust, and the echo bounces back the same "Fuuuuuuuuuuucckkk" or something of the sort.

I, finding myself to be one of those overly clever tv shows, like to try this from time to time and yell something at a hill, volcano, building, or fat dude: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!"
and I am greeted with an overly simple and annoying: "CCiiousss" sound.
Fuck movies, echoes suck.
Why are they so lazy?
Can it be that this hill has spent so much of its time merely existing that it no longer cares to respond to my excellent choice of lexicon to badger and shake its very foundation?
Sometimes in movies they will even go far enough that the response will be something different or a witty response to the man screaming at the heavens. BULLSHIT. That doesn't happen and will never happen, I hate them. Fuck you movies stop leading me astray. Reminds me of trying to fly after watching peter pan, that shit doesn't work either. I'm stressing about this, i hate you reverb and i hate you echo. Stop bothering to even exist if you aren't going to do it right. It's about time someone told you this, so fucking pick up your game man, its getting old.
That is all.

-Acorned.