Our Silly Attempt

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Scorned Acorns severe lack of scorn.

People's lack of respect for how fucking awesome fuzzy car dice bugs me.
These dice have more purpose hanging on a rearview than anything these people will contribute to the earth in the whole of their combined existence and contributions to the ozone. These people are the kind of people who keep a clean car, these are the kind of people who don't smoke cigarettes, and these are the kind of people (why does it always come to this?) who drink: Bottled Water.

This version of human being is really a major concern and the thought of it has been floating about in my brain for the past two weeks so much so that i haven't even been able to begin a post here on the acorn.

Naturally, I was confused at first as to why i couldn't get anything out of my brain but i do think i now have figured it all out.

PLASTICS.

Two weeks ago (approximately around the last time i posted) I went to school equipped with (for the first time in my life) a prepared nalgene refillable beverage container filled with water.

I now believe the rumors are true, and anyone drinking from these for lack of better word-plastics- is losing brain cells at an alarming swift rate, not to mention their faith in humanity seems to be at all time highs according to this chart right here:


I rest my case.

Stay angry
-Acorned.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Scorned Acorns just had a nostalgic moment. Fuck you shampoo.



Bullshit no more tears.
Pretty sure I never used Johnson's though. I thought I had learned early the lessons of good ol' Pert Plus 2in1:

"Probably just as painful so close your fucking eyes kid".

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Scorned Acorns needs replacement balls ASAP



Me: "Sweet! Whats that? Weapons and Warriors? Fuck yeah that looks cool!"
The Internet: "Yeah! Its a simple action board game where you lay siege to a castle!"
Me: "You do what!? That sounds bad-fucking-ass. How do you play?"
The Internet: "Well, first off you pick between manning the attackers (who are stationed opposite the castle and are shitty so don't pick them) and the castle defenders."
Me: "Excellent! Where to from there!?"
The Internet: "You simulate a castle siege by flinging small orange balls around the room out of cannons and trebuchets and giant ground crossbows!"
Me: "...so it's the game Siege?"
The Internet: "Siege? I have hardly a picture to prove it exists!"
Me: "Fuck you I found one."




And look, the fucking box is almost identical. My only question here is why? Why did they have to go and name the game twice? What fucking purpose could that possibly have served? My best guess in the manner is that Siege is the Canadian version. I come to this conclusion for two reasons. One, I live in Canada and I am looking at my fucking Siege box right now (anyone have balls I can borrow? Lost all mine sometime over the years and now this fucking thing is useless and upsetting). Two, 'LE JEU DE BATAILLE À SON PLEIN!'. Thank you Canadian Consumer Packaging and Labelling Regulations (C.R.C., c. 417). Doesn't SIEGE sound way fucking cooler than shitty Weapons and Warriors anyway? Weapons and Warriors could be any shitty game. But SIEGE! You know when your fucking nine and one of the neighbour kids comes runnin' up and down the block gettin' everyone stoked to come to his fuckin' birthday and play some SIEGE that its gonna be bad-ass and your birthdays gonna pale in comparison. Its like the kid whose parents were top-fucking-notch (love you mom and dad) and got them one of these:



Yeah, a fucking Astrojump! Oh my me. How fun was a fucking Astrojump!? Chuck E Cheese, or an Astrojump? Astrojump is right. Not to knock Chuck E Cheese. That place was (and probably still is) fun as fuck. Off topic, but warranted. Back to SIEGE. I think we can all agree it is the better name, especially for this particular game. A game whose sole purpose is to give you the means to fling balls out of scaled down siege machines at little plastic men to make them flip through the air laughably, all the while slowly chipping away at giant stone fortifications. Who the fuck are the warriors anyway? The little plastic dudes scattered about the "board"? Yeah right, not on my watch they aren't. Were they just worried about stiff competition over the name Siege?:



That appears to be a board game involving rock, paper, scissors...
-acorned

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Scorned Acorns: Rebecca Fucking Black; Haters gon' Hate

Let me prose a quick question to the Scorned Acorns reading base. How many of you visit YouTube, Twitter, or other social networking sites five or more times a week? Ok, because you’re reading this blog I’m going to assume all of you. So, how about that Rebecca Black? For those of you living under a rock, are for some reason reading this and haven’t seen “Friday”, don’t. Rebecca Black is the internet’s latest viral sensation, and that sensation for me was bewilderment. Rebecca’s received over 50 million views on YouTube and attracted more than her share of belittling and berating. She has more than 1,000,000 dislikes. I would venture a guess it’s the most substantial public thrashing I’ve seen on YouTube. Want proof? Look no further than the comment bar below, it changes every two seconds. If you auto updated to see the most recent post as it happens it would look more like dialogue then a comment bar.

Now when I’m watching the office on watch-series.eu, or another glorious tv-internet site, and Michael Scott stars rapping about office supplies, I invariably seek forward. I get all too embarrassed for him – even though I know it’s staged and even though I know he’s a paid actor. So how far did I make it into “Friday”? The first fucking chorus, that’s how far. I understand choruses are supposed to be more repetitive than verses. I also understand that most pop music uses catchy hooks to keep that “on the dance floor feel” to a song. However, when you use a moronically repetitive chorus with lines like; “Partyin’ partyin’ Yeah! Partyin’ Partyin’ Yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun fun…” you need to be shot. I’m talking execution style, for all to see.

After watching the full video I found myself wide eyed, jaw dropped, blood boiling and in utter disbelief. I couldn’t find the words to describe how appalled I was at the quality of the video and – not to sound like an old man – what people pass off as music these days. It wasn’t enough to just write out a quick two paragraph Scorn, no no, Rebecca deserves a scorn full of contemptuous abhorring that is to be well thought out and well researched. Try to take some of the emotion out of the whole situation and formulate a substantial argument for the degradation of her video.

I started off with a written rough draft at school before hand, sitting in another very interesting lecture of communications history. The first few sentences of it were a commentary on pop culture and its infinite shit machine, bam done. The prime example for this; the millions that the Black Eye’d Peas will be making for the same moronically repetitive lyrics and shameless use of auto tune. Once I got home I compared the views on YouTube for “Let’s get it started” and “The Time” 17 million and 89 million hits respectively. This was a good foundation for the logical comparison of our beloved Rebecca and modern stars. I mean all rants have to have some logical basis right? Well even if that’s not the case, I was hoping this one would. Now how about Rebecca, let’s see how she compares to other over night pop stars.

According to Billboard.com Rebecca will be making 25,000$ a week, with cuts going to iTunes and Ark productions – the fifth rate record label she sings under. What? 25 grand a week? Being that her fifteen minutes of fame is almost up, I don’t see her sustaining those numbers for more than two - three weeks. Rebecca didn’t set up a content partnership agreement before the video went viral, so she won’t see a dime for the hits she’s received. Don’t get me wrong 25,000$ isn’t chump change, hell, it’s more than ½ my annual income. That being said, this isn’t really backing up my decadent child pop star argument. Moreover she’s not sinking all of her earnings into her soon to be dwindling career; she’s started up a college fund.

After getting more background information on Rebecca Black I had to take a step back, re-evaluate my position. Not something I was happy about doing, but I needed to ask a few important questions before continuing on my tirade. First off, how does a thirteen year old from Orange County with a fifth rate label get so popular? Viral advertising of course, 64 million views all a product of it, and the thing about it is; advertising doesn’t discriminate from positive or negative views. Think about all the annoying and obtrusive pop-ups. Whether you click on one because you mean to, or you accidentally do and hate it, the company still pays for the hit. So if I share her video with a friend hyping it up to be the worst song in recorded history – which it is – I’m still contributing to her success. Paradoxically I contradict what I value just by making my views known on social networking sites. Fuck that. For the 1,000,000+ dislikes she has on YouTube, she also has 100,000+ likes. So when someone on Twitter or Facebook posts this video and exposes it to hundreds of people at a time, there will invariably be a few that like the song. As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity, regardless of the ratio being 10:1 in disfavour.

So what are we to do when we disagree with the quality of content or opinions uploaded on YouTube, Vevo, or other video sites? Are we to relinquish our right to free speech, our right to debate, should we throw down our pitch forks? No, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to share it. We need to be aware members of society and evaluate the affects our words typed or spoken have on society. Realise the consequences of free speech and the often contradictory results of our voices. I started off on what I thought was a righteous tirade, but in the end, found the contradictions in my actions, the betrayal of my beliefs. Think of the power you wield when you post. Viral marketing IS effective, and even if you don’t agree with the content, by sharing it with your friends you become Ark Production’s puppet. Sometimes doing nothing at all is more productive for your goals. So before you go about condemning articles, videos and other content, do as you parents told you, and think before you post. Your views matter, don’t have them working against you.

Scorned Acorns does not read these books...

My intention was to place a picture of the front cover of every James Patterson book ever written here, in chronological order from "Toys" to the beginning.
The fucker has seventy-seven novels written.
It is no where near worth the time.
I refuse to devote such effort to a man who produces such worthless dribble.
Granted, it can only be assumed hes written at least one decent novel, in a room full of monkeys hammering away at a keyboard kind of way, but I will just not partake in such a quest.

If James Patterson ever happens upon this (Most likely he is far too busy splashing around in money laughing at the pawns purchasing novel after novel or joyously reverent in all the movie deals coming in to do anything for himself) he is more than welcome to polish my bone.

"James Patterson has written nothing of note to anyone who isn't just looking to buy their nephew or uncle a book without taking the time to find out what they might like to read."
-Skull Duggery

Please note this posting went on for quite a bit but was filled with little more than incomprehensible hammerings at the keyboard. An example I kept- "kjkshlgk jkoKLJHESJKGJ SDFUCKKJSF jlkaj gjhsdg cuntk jfh sjagkhjds hkj"

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Scorned Acorns still doesn't own photoshop.

We made a drawing. Deal with it.


Catherine fisher I can only imagine that you put your heart into this book, if you were ever to find this post then feel free to email us your hatemail. It will be posted.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Scorned Acorns knows now that Calgary is not pedestrian friendly.

This. Is a sidewalk.
A cozy womb for the pedestrian to feel safe as they stroll about. Usually situated parallel to a roadway, be it major or not, the sidewalk is a common feature seen in most urban centers.
Most, but not all it would seem. I just spent an hour walking around Calgary without discovering a side walk. This is a bit of an overstatement. I saw sidewalks. In 8 meter stretches around bus stations.
I fail to understand how city planners can overlook such a simple accommodation.

Fuck not having sidewalks. People should riot.
All eight Calgarians who dont drive.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Q: What is a word for another way of saying something?

"A:
thing, box, or any type of thing."


Fuck off with this answer. Why do I spend time perusing Answers.com for this shit. It just pisses me off every time. Granted my last pluck and paste onto SA from there (remember Roxy19may?) was perhaps a bit more post worthy, but I have been irked by this and I felt you needed to know that.

What the fuck kind of half-assed attempt at an answer is that anyway? They offered up three possibly synonyms, which seemed great, until I fucking read them1. Lets take a quick look at them:

1) Thing. Seriously fuck that. Scoop up their question, drop half the word, and offer it back to them? Yeah, its a tough fucking word to attempt to relate to without having an idea of context, but fuck. You could have at least said 'object'. Or tried throwing up a link to someone else answering the question. You clearly weren't quite qualified.
2) Box. Box? Fucking box? Who the fuck are you to assume he was talking about a box anyway? Don't you think he would have just asked about a box? I imagine it wasn't some elaborate plot of the questioners to see who could figure out what specific object he was really talking about. The word box is not synonymous with the word something. There would be a lot more fucking boxes in the world.
3)Any type of thing. Were you suggesting any word ending in 'thing' could be viable? The only example of how you are an idiot that comes to mind right now is plaything. Or were you actually proposing this shitty phrase as an alternative to slip on into a sentence in place of 'something'? I would make a Beatles reference here alongside a statement like, "Imagine if The Beatles had named it 'Any Type of Thing' instead!", but I don't like the Beatles and I wouldn't give a shit.

Now that I have had a chance to work through the motions of getting myself all worked up about nothing, then venting in ramble, and finally cooling off a bit, I notice the wording of the question. It would seem they may actually be asking for a word meaning "another way of saying something". But, I doubt it. They are probably just another idiot who can't properly formulate a question.

"First answer by Amanpour. Last edit by Mbeaver478957832907482"

What? I just noticed this lingering at the bottom of the page. This has to be a sick joke, right? I have the same sinking feeling I had when I realized people actually listen to Insane Clown Posse.


You are telling me this was a collaborative answer? That this was honestly the collective work of two people? (Insert sentence underlining disappointment in, and fear for, society).
-acorned




1. Reminds me of the Mitch Hedberg bit about do not disturb signs:

"I got a 'do not disturb' sign on my hotel door. It says 'do not disturb.' Its time to go with 'don't disturb.' Its been 'do not disturb' for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. 'Don't disturb,' 'Do Not' psyches you out. "'Do,' alright I need to disturb this guy... 'Not,' SHIT! I need to read faster!""

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Scorned Acorns and people oblivious to the picture being taken


Fuck. Yes.

Scorned Acorns doesn't like Calgary's lack of good pan-asian cuisine.

Ok, so I can head down to Victoria (British Columbia, yeah, the scorns are canadian, what now?) and grab me some FUCKING DELICIOUS pan-asian cuisine for a reasonable price, along with a beer, and listen to cool drum and bass music that appears to put all the cooks in the zone and all the people (the place is always packed) eating in unison while bobbing to the beat and giving off this vibe of the perfect restaurant. Everyone in there is happy, and the food can get as spicy as all of the seven layers of hell combined. The place, by the way, is Noodle Box
Absolutely fantastic, I believe there's one in Vancouver as well.

ANYWAYS, before it seems like the acorns actually are going to be posting some kind of positive post, this has all been preamble for the horror that is Calgary's pan-fry peanut sauce restaurants.
Now, I imagine there must be some good ones out there, but they involve sit-down-ordering-menu-bullshit and the bill is going to come down to at least me breaking a twenty, not including a fucking tip.
Our version of this delicious restaurant is "Wok Box".
Now when this was announced to be opening on our beautiful 17th ave ( a dismal place filled with drunk frat boys which makes up our most 'happenin' street ) I was beyond excited to get this shit. I went in opening weekend, ordered what looked to be the closest thing to my favorite dish at Noodle Box, asked if I could receive it extra spicy, and got this in return, I am also going to have the same conversation with the noodle box cashier before:

Wok girl (16, ponytail, annoyed): Extra Spicy? (confused)
Noodle girl (22, tattoos, groovin on the music): You sure man, that shit can get pretty spicy...

Me: Yes

Wok girl (16, ponytail, turn to cook she clearly has never said more than 3 words to): can that be extra spicy?
Noodle girl (22, hot piercings, tapping her cook on the shoulder, telling a flirty joke and putting the chit up on the bill slide): what's your name? Acorn? ok i'll call you when its done, need a beer?

No need for anymore explanation.

We need this shit. I need this shit. My stomach runneth over with shitty oily peanut black bean dry chicken shit!

You have no idea how poorly i received this dish, i actually haven't been back to wok box since, and that was at least two years ago.

Fucking lordy, give me some NOOOOODS.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is against humanity's obsession with Jars.

Something I just dont understand is why we all need so many fucking different kinds of jars filling the corners of desks around the world. Stop and think about it for a second, how many do you have? if it's more than zero than I can guarantee that you have too many.

It just doesn't make sense, NO ONE seems to have the heart to throw out (or recycle, scornedacorns fully supports a greener planet.) a fucking empty jar. What's the mindset?
Oh this looks like a mighty fine specimen of blown sand in the shape of a cylinder, who knows what i'll be able to use this for!
Yeah, put it right next to the other thirty thousand empty jars in your basement, on day you will definitely plant a fucking garden and begin your fucking super-secret pickle grow op.

What do people tend to hold inside of jars? the answer: Absolutely nothing of true value.

Example #1
The penny jar
Oh baby, you must have accumulated about three fifty in the past two years, but by god is it ever useful having one of these around right? Fuck. the amount of labour you put into either moving pennies from your pocket to the jar or even the labour of rolling this shit wouldn't even be worth the paper the rolls are made of, so in truth: you are ruining the environment.
People always try and support their insanities of the penny jar with claims such as: "I collect them!" or by slapping a label on it that says something to the point of: "Haiti relief fund". Oh baby, I bet they can't wait to receive a cup of rice from your donation, three years down the road. I understand that its a good purpose and whatnot, but this is CLEARLY not the way to do it, why don't you take ten percent of your next paycheck and throw it into the charity, i guarantee that it will be more than your lifetime savings in pennies.

Next up
That fucking jar of unusable pens.


Ok, so some of you may keep a drawer for this, but seriously, how does it seem like a great idea?
Hmm, this pen doesn't work, good thing i have a jar for things like this, maybe a year or two sitting vertical next to its kin will produce new ink!
Then someone who is in dire need of a pen walks up and grabs a handful and runs off to class or something to write the most important thing of their life and...NONE OF THE PENS WORK. Are garbages just scared of pens? is the dump allergic to ink? WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE ONE OF THESE IT MAKES NO SENSE. Save for, it seems, the fucking bank, where everyone is crowded around that damned small desk waiting for their turn with the SINGLE PEN. And another thing, in the event that a pencil is present in said jar, it always has broken lead, and no one without a 12 year-old kid has a fucking sharpener, hell I'm pretty sure the university library here in Calgary doesn't even have one.

How about pickle jars?
Fucking gross, why do people think this is a good idea?
Cucumbers = Delicious
Man, it seems my veggies go bad after a couple weeks in the fridge, why don't we just fucking shove them in a sealed container of vinegar for a few fucking months and then crush them up and eat them on hotdogs?

Wow, that sounds like the grossest idea for food i've ever heard.



The real problem with these jars people decide to keep is they are almost always sitting on the edge of countertops and desks, and on the account of their glasslike properties, they are quite ripe for the shattering upon the smallest of shoves.

Think about the kind of words we use that include this subject.
Ajar, aka semi-open, aka useful only for peeping toms and confusing ESL students
Jargon, aka useless conversation, I can only imagine that 'gon' will be hence forth synonymous with 'conversation' and 'jar' synonymous with 'useless'

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns disagrees wholeheartedly with Hailey

http://haileyiscool.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Fuck you and your U2 reference