Scorned Acorns doesn't like bananas anyway

Two very similar, very distracting incidents have occurred recently involving the word 'banana'. The first dire occasion came not two weeks ago at work, when I asked my esteemed coworker Daniel to jot down a reminder list of tools for his crew the upcoming week. Afterwards, I asked young Daniel if I could glance his list to ensure I had not left out anything of importance. He offered me back a borderline illegible wet mess of paper reading something similar to:

- Half-moons
- Power-edgers
- Underlay
- Pins/staples
- Hammers
- Bannana Knife

Bannana knife? Are you kidding me. Fuck. Didn't even have the heart to call him out on it. This brings me to no more than fifteen minutes ago, when, entirely upon an unsubstantiated whim, I plugged "birthday cards" into the google image search engine, and after a minute or two of scrolling, up popped:



Fucking bannana!
How discouragingly serendipitous the finding of this second 'bannana' has been.

Scorned Acorns states its position on most things

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns vs the hair situation

How did hair come to this?
Think about it, I'm talking cro magnon here, it all started as a means to contain a little extra heat right? then for some reason the renaissance hit and everyone decided it would be better to wear someone elses hair because it was in the fashion to have some long ass white curls in order to impress each other. Come to think of it I'm not sure if it was even real human hair, it may have been some that belonged to an old horse, or fake hair made from god knows what, and it's said it was to help with the smell of bi-annual washed bodies, but still the thought makes me shiver. Then what happened? the fucking 80s.

Corey fucking Feldman. Goddamn.
So, now it happens that we live in the twenty first fucking century, in which the original purpose for hair seems to have dwindled since its pretty easy to find a toque these days and slap it on, and now we feel it necessary to cut it at least once a month in order to stay 'fashionable'. So, what could possibly follow all this up? Perhaps someone who could probably sell each strand of perfect hair for a cool million? well, yup, you guessed it.

The Bieber.

Women (typically of the <12 variety) flock to this man (and to his hair) like he is destined to be the next Tom Selleck (which is one moustache this page will never disgrace). My point is that it's bullshit. And what's worse is that he knows it. He recently cut it all off. And my problem with it? I KNOW ABOUT IT. SO DOES LIKE HALF THE FUCKING WORLD. Fuck. why?
Fuck you hair.

You know what else? I just realized that bald men everywhere are in the exact opposite situation but are still freaking out about their lack of hair because they can't go get it cut once a month. Fuck.
Hair is fucking up everyones shit right now.
It's going to take over.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns read it in a big book

Contrary to popular opinion.

Scorned Acorns wishes to put their balled hand against your nostril, with velocity.

Lets just pretend for a second. You are just born. You push your way out into the world only to find your eyes and mouth filled with sand. You take several groggy steps to find your legs. It is fully expected of you to be able to crawl. You push your frail body a few inches towards a loud rumble in the distance. A few of your brothers and sisters are making those same first steps. In a matter of minutes, thousands upon thousands of tiny creatures exactly like yourself are popping out from the sand in utter chaos and confusion. Your instincts are driving you towards the crash in the distance. Overhead, screams of alarm are issued by something you cannot see nor comprehend. Fear encompasses your entire being. You frantically push yourself forwards, faster and faster. All around, an orgy of noise and violence. Streaking white flashes condescend to the ground, plucking your brothers and sisters by the hundreds. Their terrified screams fill your ears as they are consumed by a swarm of winged mongrels. The Luftwaffe above dives and dives again, somehow missing you, as you continue to pump your tiny body. The rumble is closer and closer. Soon, yet somehow not soon enough, you feel a cold, refreshing, wet underneath you. One of the lucky few, you are free to swim freely into the ocean.

Sea Turtles have a rough childhood.
You do not.
Fuck yourself.

Scorned Acorns vs Wisdom Teeth

See those things coming in from behind? YEAH, wisdom teeth baby.
Hey, guess what else, THEY ARE NATURAL.
Humans tend to grow these things after being alive for a little while.
Twenty-First Century humans tend to grow these things, get freaked out, yank them, and then complain about the pain because there are two gaping holes where they once were. But hey, good thing you avoided all that unnecessary pressure that was no doubt going to eventually push on the rest of your teeth because your jaw isn't capable of handling something it has been growing for a couple millennium. Sounds like a cash grab to me, but it would appear that most people actually get worried if you tell them you still have yours.
"you know that your teeth are gonna get crooked and hurt right?"
Well, when and if that happens I'll deal with it, kind of like how I expect to deal with old age and other NATURAL sensations in life.
I'm not sure if i've made any sense up until this point, so i figure this is a perfect moment to segue into this:

wat.

I found this while doing research on this wisdom teeth topic. Yes, we at Scorned Acorns internet sleuth before posting, and this is sometimes what we are given in return for our hard work.
What the fuck does a cat have to do with wisdom teeth.
And why is it brushing its teeth with a toothbrush?
And why is the internet plagued with these sorts of images. Everyone makes fun of cat photos on the internet, but they still seem to appear in throngs.
I imagine there must be like two guys in a basement somewhere taking photos of their grandma's cats in non-cat positions and posting them online thinking they will lead the revolution against the government's oppressive ways in lieu to cats.

What?
I keep losing my train of thought.
Too much background noise.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns on this fake acorn.

This acorn is clearly a fake. its a hoax. Fuck that shit. If someone didn't know what an acorn was and they searched acorn on google this would show up and they would be forever given a false knowledge of what an acorn is.

Representations of acorns is not worthy of acorning within the acorn. Acorns.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is talking to itself.

I know right off the bat you are clearly pondering one thing. Is this going to be another 'fuck movies' rant? Well, in a way, yes. Fuck movies, they're bullshit. In movies (typically comedies) they like playing with the ideas of echoes.

no, not the Pink Floyd musical extravaganza, I'm talking about the phenomenon of sound reflecting off of large inanimate objects (typically the morbidly obese) and returning to the source of the sound after traveling the speed of sound over the distance between the two.

Fig. 1:

Now, in movies, clever television shows, and sometimes comic books, the echo is usually utilized when a character (typically the protagonist) screams to the heavens in disgust, and the echo bounces back the same "Fuuuuuuuuuuucckkk" or something of the sort.

I, finding myself to be one of those overly clever tv shows, like to try this from time to time and yell something at a hill, volcano, building, or fat dude: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!"
and I am greeted with an overly simple and annoying: "CCiiousss" sound.
Fuck movies, echoes suck.
Why are they so lazy?
Can it be that this hill has spent so much of its time merely existing that it no longer cares to respond to my excellent choice of lexicon to badger and shake its very foundation?
Sometimes in movies they will even go far enough that the response will be something different or a witty response to the man screaming at the heavens. BULLSHIT. That doesn't happen and will never happen, I hate them. Fuck you movies stop leading me astray. Reminds me of trying to fly after watching peter pan, that shit doesn't work either. I'm stressing about this, i hate you reverb and i hate you echo. Stop bothering to even exist if you aren't going to do it right. It's about time someone told you this, so fucking pick up your game man, its getting old.
That is all.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns severe lack of scorn.

People's lack of respect for how fucking awesome fuzzy car dice bugs me.
These dice have more purpose hanging on a rearview than anything these people will contribute to the earth in the whole of their combined existence and contributions to the ozone. These people are the kind of people who keep a clean car, these are the kind of people who don't smoke cigarettes, and these are the kind of people (why does it always come to this?) who drink: Bottled Water.

This version of human being is really a major concern and the thought of it has been floating about in my brain for the past two weeks so much so that i haven't even been able to begin a post here on the acorn.

Naturally, I was confused at first as to why i couldn't get anything out of my brain but i do think i now have figured it all out.

PLASTICS.

Two weeks ago (approximately around the last time i posted) I went to school equipped with (for the first time in my life) a prepared nalgene refillable beverage container filled with water.

I now believe the rumors are true, and anyone drinking from these for lack of better word-plastics- is losing brain cells at an alarming swift rate, not to mention their faith in humanity seems to be at all time highs according to this chart right here:

I rest my case.

Stay angry
-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns just had a nostalgic moment. Fuck you shampoo.

Bullshit no more tears.
Pretty sure I never used Johnson's though. I thought I had learned early the lessons of good ol' Pert Plus 2in1:

"Probably just as painful so close your fucking eyes kid".

Scorned Acorns needs replacement balls ASAP

Me: "Sweet! Whats that? Weapons and Warriors? Fuck yeah that looks cool!"
The Internet: "Yeah! Its a simple action board game where you lay siege to a castle!"
Me: "You do what!? That sounds bad-fucking-ass. How do you play?"
The Internet: "Well, first off you pick between manning the attackers (who are stationed opposite the castle and are shitty so don't pick them) and the castle defenders."
Me: "Excellent! Where to from there!?"
The Internet: "You simulate a castle siege by flinging small orange balls around the room out of cannons and trebuchets and giant ground crossbows!"
Me: "...so it's the game Siege?"
The Internet: "Siege? I have hardly a picture to prove it exists!"
Me: "Fuck you I found one."




And look, the fucking box is almost identical. My only question here is why? Why did they have to go and name the game twice? What fucking purpose could that possibly have served? My best guess in the manner is that Siege is the Canadian version. I come to this conclusion for two reasons. One, I live in Canada and I am looking at my fucking Siege box right now (anyone have balls I can borrow? Lost all mine sometime over the years and now this fucking thing is useless and upsetting). Two, 'LE JEU DE BATAILLE À SON PLEIN!'. Thank you Canadian Consumer Packaging and Labelling Regulations (C.R.C., c. 417). Doesn't SIEGE sound way fucking cooler than shitty Weapons and Warriors anyway? Weapons and Warriors could be any shitty game. But SIEGE! You know when your fucking nine and one of the neighbour kids comes runnin' up and down the block gettin' everyone stoked to come to his fuckin' birthday and play some SIEGE that its gonna be bad-ass and your birthdays gonna pale in comparison. Its like the kid whose parents were top-fucking-notch (love you mom and dad) and got them one of these:



Yeah, a fucking Astrojump! Oh my me. How fun was a fucking Astrojump!? Chuck E Cheese, or an Astrojump? Astrojump is right. Not to knock Chuck E Cheese. That place was (and probably still is) fun as fuck. Off topic, but warranted. Back to SIEGE. I think we can all agree it is the better name, especially for this particular game. A game whose sole purpose is to give you the means to fling balls out of scaled down siege machines at little plastic men to make them flip through the air laughably, all the while slowly chipping away at giant stone fortifications. Who the fuck are the warriors anyway? The little plastic dudes scattered about the "board"? Yeah right, not on my watch they aren't. Were they just worried about stiff competition over the name Siege?:



That appears to be a board game involving rock, paper, scissors...
-acorned

Scorned Acorns: Rebecca Fucking Black; Haters gon' Hate

Let me prose a quick question to the Scorned Acorns reading base. How many of you visit YouTube, Twitter, or other social networking sites five or more times a week? Ok, because you’re reading this blog I’m going to assume all of you. So, how about that Rebecca Black? For those of you living under a rock, are for some reason reading this and haven’t seen “Friday”, don’t. Rebecca Black is the internet’s latest viral sensation, and that sensation for me was bewilderment. Rebecca’s received over 50 million views on YouTube and attracted more than her share of belittling and berating. She has more than 1,000,000 dislikes. I would venture a guess it’s the most substantial public thrashing I’ve seen on YouTube. Want proof? Look no further than the comment bar below, it changes every two seconds. If you auto updated to see the most recent post as it happens it would look more like dialogue then a comment bar.

Now when I’m watching the office on watch-series.eu, or another glorious tv-internet site, and Michael Scott stars rapping about office supplies, I invariably seek forward. I get all too embarrassed for him – even though I know it’s staged and even though I know he’s a paid actor. So how far did I make it into “Friday”? The first fucking chorus, that’s how far. I understand choruses are supposed to be more repetitive than verses. I also understand that most pop music uses catchy hooks to keep that “on the dance floor feel” to a song. However, when you use a moronically repetitive chorus with lines like; “Partyin’ partyin’ Yeah! Partyin’ Partyin’ Yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun fun…” you need to be shot. I’m talking execution style, for all to see.

After watching the full video I found myself wide eyed, jaw dropped, blood boiling and in utter disbelief. I couldn’t find the words to describe how appalled I was at the quality of the video and – not to sound like an old man – what people pass off as music these days. It wasn’t enough to just write out a quick two paragraph Scorn, no no, Rebecca deserves a scorn full of contemptuous abhorring that is to be well thought out and well researched. Try to take some of the emotion out of the whole situation and formulate a substantial argument for the degradation of her video.

I started off with a written rough draft at school before hand, sitting in another very interesting lecture of communications history. The first few sentences of it were a commentary on pop culture and its infinite shit machine, bam done. The prime example for this; the millions that the Black Eye’d Peas will be making for the same moronically repetitive lyrics and shameless use of auto tune. Once I got home I compared the views on YouTube for “Let’s get it started” and “The Time” 17 million and 89 million hits respectively. This was a good foundation for the logical comparison of our beloved Rebecca and modern stars. I mean all rants have to have some logical basis right? Well even if that’s not the case, I was hoping this one would. Now how about Rebecca, let’s see how she compares to other over night pop stars.

According to Billboard.com Rebecca will be making 25,000$ a week, with cuts going to iTunes and Ark productions – the fifth rate record label she sings under. What? 25 grand a week? Being that her fifteen minutes of fame is almost up, I don’t see her sustaining those numbers for more than two - three weeks. Rebecca didn’t set up a content partnership agreement before the video went viral, so she won’t see a dime for the hits she’s received. Don’t get me wrong 25,000$ isn’t chump change, hell, it’s more than ½ my annual income. That being said, this isn’t really backing up my decadent child pop star argument. Moreover she’s not sinking all of her earnings into her soon to be dwindling career; she’s started up a college fund.

After getting more background information on Rebecca Black I had to take a step back, re-evaluate my position. Not something I was happy about doing, but I needed to ask a few important questions before continuing on my tirade. First off, how does a thirteen year old from Orange County with a fifth rate label get so popular? Viral advertising of course, 64 million views all a product of it, and the thing about it is; advertising doesn’t discriminate from positive or negative views. Think about all the annoying and obtrusive pop-ups. Whether you click on one because you mean to, or you accidentally do and hate it, the company still pays for the hit. So if I share her video with a friend hyping it up to be the worst song in recorded history – which it is – I’m still contributing to her success. Paradoxically I contradict what I value just by making my views known on social networking sites. Fuck that. For the 1,000,000+ dislikes she has on YouTube, she also has 100,000+ likes. So when someone on Twitter or Facebook posts this video and exposes it to hundreds of people at a time, there will invariably be a few that like the song. As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity, regardless of the ratio being 10:1 in disfavour.

So what are we to do when we disagree with the quality of content or opinions uploaded on YouTube, Vevo, or other video sites? Are we to relinquish our right to free speech, our right to debate, should we throw down our pitch forks? No, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to share it. We need to be aware members of society and evaluate the affects our words typed or spoken have on society. Realise the consequences of free speech and the often contradictory results of our voices. I started off on what I thought was a righteous tirade, but in the end, found the contradictions in my actions, the betrayal of my beliefs. Think of the power you wield when you post. Viral marketing IS effective, and even if you don’t agree with the content, by sharing it with your friends you become Ark Production’s puppet. Sometimes doing nothing at all is more productive for your goals. So before you go about condemning articles, videos and other content, do as you parents told you, and think before you post. Your views matter, don’t have them working against you.