Scorned Acorns tries to enjoy chocolate bars

So there I was, sitting around thinking about charleston chew, and decide that my burning lust for one requires me to search it on the internet. This is what pops up:

some random broad's myspace page. the caption reads "remember me hitting a bird with a charleston chew? haha". the category is 'old memories <3'. What the fuck is this shit. This ruined a perfectly enjoyable search about chocolate bars and their deliciousness, I was innocent, and now I have a certain scorn about me that requires mention. Side note, what the fuck is the deal with these damned smaller-than-three symbols. Everyone is in love with these, they look awful. I don't use this term often, but I believe this woman is a tool. If you disagree, fuck you.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns stepped on a banana

Fuck bananas.

I know it seems like bananas are some kind of strange re-occurring topic here on the scorn, but I assure you that these damned yellow fetuses are hardly a subject of obsession, more a constant form of irritation. The first problem is that they are FUCKING DELICIOUS. Now normally this would be considered a good thing, but somehow bananas have managed to fuck that up, and I will explain in detail what I'm talking about.
Second, they are more than decently priced. I can hop down to Safeway and buy a seven-pack for like a dollar twenty three. Think about that for a second, that is a banana-a-day for a full week for fucking change. Bananas could almost be described as the one and only useful use for fucking change. I hate that shit too. Think of the amount of potassium and b12 you can get from a daily banana. That shit could fuel your entire soccer career. This however is where the problem begins. Green bananas suck. You gotta buy em and wait a couple of fucking days before they are ready to go, which leads to their biggest flaw: this 'green' phase is the only period of time in which the stability of said banana is anywhere near tactile. The second you actually want to consume a fucking banana, you wont be able to bring it anywhere without it getting fucking squished all over your backpack/lunchbag. Every time you get your hopes up like 'oh shit, its banana time' you open your bag only to find a mushy off-white substance has destroyed you daily planner. Albeit you may have  a pleasant smelling bag for approximately a day, but believe me, this shit grabs onto every fiber and sticks to it, and after 24 hours that smell can no longer be described as enjoyable.

The whole point is that bananas are created to let you down. All these pros crushed down by their simple inability to stay in one solid piece which is even enjoyable to peel. Imagine the situation mentioned earlier, bananas able to fully supply the energy for a soccer career ( and believe me, bananas fucking could single handily pull this off), however when placed alongside a ball and some cleats, the chances of physical survival is 0.013%. This would inevitably end in a sprained ankle or shattered tibia.
Meanwhile, here in Canada, some crazy company decided to finally solve all banana-related problems (keep in mind there really is only one problem with bananas), and invented something they call the BANANA-GUARD.

Its simplistic and pragmatic design solves all problems by ensuring that your banana will arrive to its destination both intact and completely non-bruised. This invention should have changed the world. Productivity and average energy of the population should have skyrocketed to near-Japanese levels. It would appear however that some fucking tool high up in some conspiracy decided that this would be too useful, and instantly began to spread bad publicity about these beautiful, beautiful devices. I remember being no older than 14, sitting on a gym floor eating a PB&muthafuckingJ sandwich and watching in awe as a peer pulled a BANANA-GUARD out of his brown paper bag.

Look at all the fucking colours this shit is availible in.

My jaw dropped as he opened it and out appeared the perfect banana. Before I managed to pull it all together, and congratulate him on his mother's ability to purchase such fine items, another boy began pointing and laughing at the guard. Many joined in, claiming it was the funniest thing they had ever seen, and jeering at him in such a way that he would never bring another banana to school again. This was the conspiracy working at full strength, spreading word of how 'uncool' it was. Fuck me that pisses me off. This is something that STATS CANADA should give out with their mandatory census, in order for every single Canadian to own one. In the absence of the BANANA-GUARD being widespread across the globe, bananas will stay as the most annoying fruit possible, for its taste/accessibility ratio. I know they have firmly grasped a place as a breakfast eat-at-home fruit, and for that I am somewhat pleased with them, but seriously, with the help of the guard, THIS SHIT COULD BE THE MOST USEFUL FOOD ON THE PLANET. Instead it just gets mushed into deliciously dry banana bread.

-Acorned