Our Silly Attempt

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Scorned Acorns severe lack of scorn.

People's lack of respect for how fucking awesome fuzzy car dice bugs me.
These dice have more purpose hanging on a rearview than anything these people will contribute to the earth in the whole of their combined existence and contributions to the ozone. These people are the kind of people who keep a clean car, these are the kind of people who don't smoke cigarettes, and these are the kind of people (why does it always come to this?) who drink: Bottled Water.

This version of human being is really a major concern and the thought of it has been floating about in my brain for the past two weeks so much so that i haven't even been able to begin a post here on the acorn.

Naturally, I was confused at first as to why i couldn't get anything out of my brain but i do think i now have figured it all out.

PLASTICS.

Two weeks ago (approximately around the last time i posted) I went to school equipped with (for the first time in my life) a prepared nalgene refillable beverage container filled with water.

I now believe the rumors are true, and anyone drinking from these for lack of better word-plastics- is losing brain cells at an alarming swift rate, not to mention their faith in humanity seems to be at all time highs according to this chart right here:


I rest my case.

Stay angry
-Acorned.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Scorned Acorns just had a nostalgic moment. Fuck you shampoo.



Bullshit no more tears.
Pretty sure I never used Johnson's though. I thought I had learned early the lessons of good ol' Pert Plus 2in1:

"Probably just as painful so close your fucking eyes kid".

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Scorned Acorns needs replacement balls ASAP



Me: "Sweet! Whats that? Weapons and Warriors? Fuck yeah that looks cool!"
The Internet: "Yeah! Its a simple action board game where you lay siege to a castle!"
Me: "You do what!? That sounds bad-fucking-ass. How do you play?"
The Internet: "Well, first off you pick between manning the attackers (who are stationed opposite the castle and are shitty so don't pick them) and the castle defenders."
Me: "Excellent! Where to from there!?"
The Internet: "You simulate a castle siege by flinging small orange balls around the room out of cannons and trebuchets and giant ground crossbows!"
Me: "...so it's the game Siege?"
The Internet: "Siege? I have hardly a picture to prove it exists!"
Me: "Fuck you I found one."




And look, the fucking box is almost identical. My only question here is why? Why did they have to go and name the game twice? What fucking purpose could that possibly have served? My best guess in the manner is that Siege is the Canadian version. I come to this conclusion for two reasons. One, I live in Canada and I am looking at my fucking Siege box right now (anyone have balls I can borrow? Lost all mine sometime over the years and now this fucking thing is useless and upsetting). Two, 'LE JEU DE BATAILLE À SON PLEIN!'. Thank you Canadian Consumer Packaging and Labelling Regulations (C.R.C., c. 417). Doesn't SIEGE sound way fucking cooler than shitty Weapons and Warriors anyway? Weapons and Warriors could be any shitty game. But SIEGE! You know when your fucking nine and one of the neighbour kids comes runnin' up and down the block gettin' everyone stoked to come to his fuckin' birthday and play some SIEGE that its gonna be bad-ass and your birthdays gonna pale in comparison. Its like the kid whose parents were top-fucking-notch (love you mom and dad) and got them one of these:



Yeah, a fucking Astrojump! Oh my me. How fun was a fucking Astrojump!? Chuck E Cheese, or an Astrojump? Astrojump is right. Not to knock Chuck E Cheese. That place was (and probably still is) fun as fuck. Off topic, but warranted. Back to SIEGE. I think we can all agree it is the better name, especially for this particular game. A game whose sole purpose is to give you the means to fling balls out of scaled down siege machines at little plastic men to make them flip through the air laughably, all the while slowly chipping away at giant stone fortifications. Who the fuck are the warriors anyway? The little plastic dudes scattered about the "board"? Yeah right, not on my watch they aren't. Were they just worried about stiff competition over the name Siege?:



That appears to be a board game involving rock, paper, scissors...
-acorned

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Scorned Acorns: Rebecca Fucking Black; Haters gon' Hate

Let me prose a quick question to the Scorned Acorns reading base. How many of you visit YouTube, Twitter, or other social networking sites five or more times a week? Ok, because you’re reading this blog I’m going to assume all of you. So, how about that Rebecca Black? For those of you living under a rock, are for some reason reading this and haven’t seen “Friday”, don’t. Rebecca Black is the internet’s latest viral sensation, and that sensation for me was bewilderment. Rebecca’s received over 50 million views on YouTube and attracted more than her share of belittling and berating. She has more than 1,000,000 dislikes. I would venture a guess it’s the most substantial public thrashing I’ve seen on YouTube. Want proof? Look no further than the comment bar below, it changes every two seconds. If you auto updated to see the most recent post as it happens it would look more like dialogue then a comment bar.

Now when I’m watching the office on watch-series.eu, or another glorious tv-internet site, and Michael Scott stars rapping about office supplies, I invariably seek forward. I get all too embarrassed for him – even though I know it’s staged and even though I know he’s a paid actor. So how far did I make it into “Friday”? The first fucking chorus, that’s how far. I understand choruses are supposed to be more repetitive than verses. I also understand that most pop music uses catchy hooks to keep that “on the dance floor feel” to a song. However, when you use a moronically repetitive chorus with lines like; “Partyin’ partyin’ Yeah! Partyin’ Partyin’ Yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun fun…” you need to be shot. I’m talking execution style, for all to see.

After watching the full video I found myself wide eyed, jaw dropped, blood boiling and in utter disbelief. I couldn’t find the words to describe how appalled I was at the quality of the video and – not to sound like an old man – what people pass off as music these days. It wasn’t enough to just write out a quick two paragraph Scorn, no no, Rebecca deserves a scorn full of contemptuous abhorring that is to be well thought out and well researched. Try to take some of the emotion out of the whole situation and formulate a substantial argument for the degradation of her video.

I started off with a written rough draft at school before hand, sitting in another very interesting lecture of communications history. The first few sentences of it were a commentary on pop culture and its infinite shit machine, bam done. The prime example for this; the millions that the Black Eye’d Peas will be making for the same moronically repetitive lyrics and shameless use of auto tune. Once I got home I compared the views on YouTube for “Let’s get it started” and “The Time” 17 million and 89 million hits respectively. This was a good foundation for the logical comparison of our beloved Rebecca and modern stars. I mean all rants have to have some logical basis right? Well even if that’s not the case, I was hoping this one would. Now how about Rebecca, let’s see how she compares to other over night pop stars.

According to Billboard.com Rebecca will be making 25,000$ a week, with cuts going to iTunes and Ark productions – the fifth rate record label she sings under. What? 25 grand a week? Being that her fifteen minutes of fame is almost up, I don’t see her sustaining those numbers for more than two - three weeks. Rebecca didn’t set up a content partnership agreement before the video went viral, so she won’t see a dime for the hits she’s received. Don’t get me wrong 25,000$ isn’t chump change, hell, it’s more than ½ my annual income. That being said, this isn’t really backing up my decadent child pop star argument. Moreover she’s not sinking all of her earnings into her soon to be dwindling career; she’s started up a college fund.

After getting more background information on Rebecca Black I had to take a step back, re-evaluate my position. Not something I was happy about doing, but I needed to ask a few important questions before continuing on my tirade. First off, how does a thirteen year old from Orange County with a fifth rate label get so popular? Viral advertising of course, 64 million views all a product of it, and the thing about it is; advertising doesn’t discriminate from positive or negative views. Think about all the annoying and obtrusive pop-ups. Whether you click on one because you mean to, or you accidentally do and hate it, the company still pays for the hit. So if I share her video with a friend hyping it up to be the worst song in recorded history – which it is – I’m still contributing to her success. Paradoxically I contradict what I value just by making my views known on social networking sites. Fuck that. For the 1,000,000+ dislikes she has on YouTube, she also has 100,000+ likes. So when someone on Twitter or Facebook posts this video and exposes it to hundreds of people at a time, there will invariably be a few that like the song. As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity, regardless of the ratio being 10:1 in disfavour.

So what are we to do when we disagree with the quality of content or opinions uploaded on YouTube, Vevo, or other video sites? Are we to relinquish our right to free speech, our right to debate, should we throw down our pitch forks? No, just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to share it. We need to be aware members of society and evaluate the affects our words typed or spoken have on society. Realise the consequences of free speech and the often contradictory results of our voices. I started off on what I thought was a righteous tirade, but in the end, found the contradictions in my actions, the betrayal of my beliefs. Think of the power you wield when you post. Viral marketing IS effective, and even if you don’t agree with the content, by sharing it with your friends you become Ark Production’s puppet. Sometimes doing nothing at all is more productive for your goals. So before you go about condemning articles, videos and other content, do as you parents told you, and think before you post. Your views matter, don’t have them working against you.

Scorned Acorns does not read these books...

My intention was to place a picture of the front cover of every James Patterson book ever written here, in chronological order from "Toys" to the beginning.
The fucker has seventy-seven novels written.
It is no where near worth the time.
I refuse to devote such effort to a man who produces such worthless dribble.
Granted, it can only be assumed hes written at least one decent novel, in a room full of monkeys hammering away at a keyboard kind of way, but I will just not partake in such a quest.

If James Patterson ever happens upon this (Most likely he is far too busy splashing around in money laughing at the pawns purchasing novel after novel or joyously reverent in all the movie deals coming in to do anything for himself) he is more than welcome to polish my bone.

"James Patterson has written nothing of note to anyone who isn't just looking to buy their nephew or uncle a book without taking the time to find out what they might like to read."
-Skull Duggery

Please note this posting went on for quite a bit but was filled with little more than incomprehensible hammerings at the keyboard. An example I kept- "kjkshlgk jkoKLJHESJKGJ SDFUCKKJSF jlkaj gjhsdg cuntk jfh sjagkhjds hkj"