Scorned Acorns is stuck on repeat

Ahh. The Penrose stairs. An enchanting idea. But honestly, who the fuck thought it was a good addition to video games?

Seriously. If you aren't going to make it a realistic walking distance from one side of a "world" to the other (thank fucking god..) why give a fourty floor office tower fourty fucking flights of stairs? Even going so far as to include a turn at the midway point of each flight. I think the best example of this is seen in Final Fantasy VII, when you arrive at Shinra HQ. Now, granted, you have the option of an elevator, but who doesn't invoke their sense of adventure every now and again, and opt for a leisurely stroll. Fuck. This game shattered any semblance of gaming patience I may once have had. Any anticipation as to what awaits you on the upper floors is effectively drowned by the monotony of seventy wide concentric circles. They need a fucking warning when you enter. And not some scroll off to the side on the wall you will probably ignore. No. Bolded text that covers a good portion of the screen and lingers for five to ten seconds, flashing. It's only fair. I would go back, do it again, and count how many flights there really are... but that is a terrible idea and I say fuck it. Oh! Wait, I forgot. You get an elixir about halfway up... Around about the time you are smack in the middle of trying to decide whether you should just cut your losses, turn around and take the elevator, abandoning the last fifteen minutes of your life. A matter of shoulda, coulda, woulda that will long outlive the staircase climb, likely persisting late into your twenties. Fuck the elixir.

I still feel like I am understating how truly exhausting an experience this really was. Imagine a casual traipse about the stairs in Inception. Necessary? Fuck that. Should have taken the fucking elevator.

Umschreibung. Okay, that staircase could be a fun frolic.

Scorned Acorns cannot believe what just happened

So, after receiving an angsty text about the movie Bandslam (a movie I thought I'd seen... definitely not), I felt compelled to sit down in front of my Shawbox and throw it on. Worst. Fucking. Idea. Ever.

Just watch it and bristle.

Scorned Acorns is wet

I am going to begin this somewhat in opposition of SA's ultimate goal, and say I fucking love Magikarp. Anyone of differing opinion can fuck right off.

Look at that thing. Anyone who ever played Pokemon (and I mean Pokemon Red and Blue for Gameboy of course) didn't get the full gaming experience if they ignored their Old Rod, knowing full-well it would ultimately lead to their crumbling under the onslaught of Magikarp (and a few other Pokemon not worth mentioning) the rod procured.

I am sure there a good number of people out there who "toiled" with switching back and forth between The Splashmaster and Charizard solely for xp purposes, and Magikarps eventual evolution into Gyarados. Fuck Gyarados and fuck those people.

Check out those barbels (moustache). I wonder if they mention Magikarps size being relative to the body of water it mosey's around in? According to Bulbapedia, the leading source for anything Pokemon related, Magikarps special abilities are as follows:

"Long-lived Magikarp are able to utilize their immense splashing power to leap high enough to jump mountains. Magikarp also have a strong enough immune system to survive in the most polluted of waters."

Fuck yes.Compare that to the special abilities of its shitty successor:

"Gyarados, like most dragon-like Pokémon, has a high Attack stat, causing it to rely more on physical attacks than special ones. It is one of the few Water-types able to wield both Fire-type andElectric-type attacks. Its fangs can crush stones and its scales are harder than steel."

Sounds like they made that shit up. I bet Gyarados isn't even real.

-acorned

Sidenote: I have been dubbed pretentious for liking Magikarp

Scorned Acorns: Who is Waldo?

I'm confident in saying that at least 90% of all people have at one time or another picked up and wasted a good 30mins to an hour of their time looking for Mr Waldo. Whose actual name isWally. Didnt know that? thats because no one cares!

so My quesetion is WHY?

Who the fuck is Waldo?

And WHY do we Care so much about where he is or what he's doing! dear lord.

If you gave a kid a where's Waldo book that had no fucking tittle on it, do you really think he would start looking for waldo?

NO! he would look at 15-20 pages of ridiculous people, in ridiculous situations!

At no point would he put down the book and realize some fucking dude is in every picture!

And if he did, it would go something like this!

kid-"wait a second!... WAIT A SECOND! hey hey buddy look at this! Im pretty sure this same guy shows up in all these pictures!"

buddy-"what guy?"

"this guy man"

-"the guy with a red and white turtle neck?"

"yeah. Yeaah! look"

-"he looks like a douch" and walk away...

- DOUCHE

Im not saying Waldo is a douche, I actually quite enjoy the books. But after long consideration, i actually find them quite disturbing. If what and where Waldo is doing is so important, why did Martin Handford shrink him into this 5mm cartoon character and HIDE HIM! why not call the book What and Where Waldo is doing, and stop waisting my time... no one takes giant panoramic pictures of where they are, put them in there scrap book and then when there showing people go...

"Okay so here i am in spain standing in a plaza in Barcelona"

-"uhh where are you?"

"right there..."

-"hmm yeah... not seeing you, its kind of a incredibly large picture"

"come on silly right there next to guy eating a cake! Im wearing that cute blue scarf your sister gave me"

-"uhh nope... not seing it, there are literately 5000 people in this picture."

"come on! you can find me!"

-"NO fuck just point yourself out!"

No one does that. so why would Waldo?.. fuck!

-acorned.

Scorned Acorns has wasted yet another two hours

I did it. I sat down and watched the movie Splice.

Fuck.

I have absolutely nothing to say about it besides:

A) Do not watch it. Its roughly equivalent to when you have a craving for something but you can't put your finger on it and you keep checking the fridge every few minutes hoping something new and magical has appeared in there, only to be shot down in utter disappointment each time.

B) Adrien Brody has some passionate sex with the creature¹. Really, if you are planning to watch you might as well just skip ahead to this scene. It's actually really fucked up if you think about it. Whatever happened to Angels in the Outfield Adrien?

C) When the thing is first born(?), I fuckin' wanted it. It looked like a goofy, awkward, hairless wallaby/turtle crossover (or splice! fuck yeah! see what I did there?). Not for long though folks.

D) Finally, there are these slug-like creatures that are supposed to be bioscience's Romeo and Juliet. Instead they shred each other apart in an epic bloodbath. Highlight? Naw, still doesn't top the 'Adrien fucks an alien' headline potential.

Had more to say than I thought, all easily summed up as fuck this movie. Besides the creature muffin buttering. I wonder what that has to say about me.

-acorned

1. He tries to rationalize it by saying his wife used her DNA in the thing, which she did, but who gives a fuck. He fucked the thing. It had a tail. A bad-ass fuckin' tail actually, but a tail nonetheless. And it vocalized through those alienesque clicking noises. Based on those two facts, however human in appearance, not okay to bone. It looked like a chicken fucked a fish, who in turn laid pipe in Hilary Swank (which in and of itself is bad enough).

Scorned Acorns and what 'Nuts' has become.

Nuts has began to bug me. We're talking about the word here. It means way too many things now and refers to way too many completely unrelated subjects. This word needs to be dropped from the Oxford Dictionary or the Scrabble Word List.
"Nuts" themselves, are GREAT! like really, pecans, fuhghettaboutit! Actually, before i can properly acorn this subject let's take a quick look at how great nuts can be.

But wait, we have to start already, because i just realized something dangerous.

Fact: "Nuts" are fantastic. But let's just have a quick second to look at what exactly a nut can be. On this "nut platter" i see peanuts, cashews, pecans, and M&M's?!? When did they make the cut to be called a nut.

Well, they aren't.

and we all know that now don't we.

So, Why are they here on this platter of nuts?

could this be why it says on the package "may contain traces of nuts"?

Do M&M's require a certain 'marinade' of nutty goodness?

Or do they just complement the surrounding nuts with their junior high mesh of colour amongst a properly salted crew?

Actually come to think of it, after that list of different nuts I see in that picture, I just realized something that could be extremely frustrating. If someone were to come up to you and offer you some 'nuts' you really cannot properly prepare yourself for the handful soon to follow, and if you are the kind of guy who expects M&M's or raisins to be considered in the offering of 'nuts' then for all you really know you may be about to receive a handful of sunflower seeds or something.

So, lets recap:

Meaning #1: The nut as a salty and delicious snackable treat which sometimes is trapped within a hard shell that needs to be (enjoyably) opened via nutcracker.

Moving on, we have the 'nut' from the fabulous carpenter's accessories manual: A small block of metal or wood with a central, threaded hole that is designed to fit around and secure a bolt or screw.

guess what, we even call them 'acorn nuts'.
These bad boys are just straight up annoying because they are for the point in a project where you have to reach to the back of whatever you're building and secure your screws, but the damned things will without fail slip out of your hands or become stripped or just barely not fit properly and the whole project can fall apart in a second.
Or how about the nut as in the insane?
These can also be referred to as a 'nut case' in some wild circumstances. Fuck. I am so happy we are finally about to get a picture like this up on here:

Yes ladies and gentlemen,  Steve Martin here portraying a nut, in a movie called mixed nuts. Oh this must be absolute comedy gold. Fuck i hate that guy and what he did to the pink panther. The only respect he deserves is for planes trains and automobiles but i still believe that would have been better with anybody else.

If I were to be talking to a psychiatric doctor and he was to ask me the question: "Would you like to see my nuts?" The question could be taken way too many ways and my brain and the hope for mankind itself that it holds would be blown away in milliseconds.
Wait, is that a reference to yet another nut? yes! of course! THE TESTICLE. apparently these are also called the 'nuts' so how else are you supposed to take it?
We need more examples.
"As he turned the nut, the nut was hit in the nuts by a barrage of nuts."
Fuck this is way to confusing. WHY didn't they just come up with more words? why must we repurpose old ones again and again? God damn this annoys me.

Another thing on nuts,
Those damned things people hang out from behind their trucks, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. They are grotesque, inconsiderate, and just straight up ugly. When I see someone with them hanging off the back of their truck I will in fact make note of what the driver looks like as that I can describe him later to anyone willing to listen to my soapbox rants in great detail and let everyone know just how big of a turd this guy truly is.

My blood is already boiling. Can you not automatically tell that this man is in fact a giant douche. Holy shit he is a testament to the fall of mankind, this is the reason we can't have nice things and THIS is the reason alcoholic women exist, they have to deal with this shit as mating partners.

Fucking

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns on wo men without hats

Did i miss the memo? Did the top of people's head's go out of style?
Everywhere i go i see people wearing hats.
And they aren't even crazy neat hats either. It's always that type of hat that you can tell hasn't been washed since last winter and was found underneath an old bag or something accompanied by a line such as "I've been wondering where that was." which preceded the immediate trying on of the hat, which preceded the leaving the house under the watching eye of what I have been referring to as "that hat"



The problem is that cool hats such as this one:

cannot be worn about in regular society without the presumption that the wearer is 'making a statement'

I'm not trying to make a fucking statement here people, its just a cool hat!
Actually you know what, I am making a statement by wearing this hat. It's that the rest of you are not wearing nearly cool enough hats! I'm not talking about a pineapple fruit hat or anything obviously ridiculous like that, but look at this shit!

Is this what represents a 'cool hat'? well google image search seems to think so. I can legitimately say that this is one of the un-coolest hats i've seen.

I can see this type of girl getting ready to go out for a night at the local art gallery or club or something that kids do for fun on nights such as tonight and calling each other up ( or worse, bbming) to say 'hey! im wearing a hat tonight, its black and im wearing gray, you should totally wear gray with a black hat! our lack of hues and definitions of shade will make us stand out in the pitch black of a foggy night!




Ok wait a second and bring your thoughts back up to camo-girl up there. upon a little internet sleuthing of mine i have discovered the pictures caption to be 'Britney's not a very good investor.' which clears things up nicely. It is obvious that i am not the first to notice this kind of shit and its total lack of coolness. And people, we need to stop this before everyone is bald.
That's right, i said it. Hats cause baldness.

Don't Make me take necessary action.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns isn't outside building a bad-ass snowman

Why the fuck am I not outside building a snowman right now?

It is a beautiful February morning. Chinook has rolled on in and it is a comfortable 3 degrees Celsius outside. The smaller patches of snow have melted, the roads are rimmed in gravel and yellowing slush and the sun is blinding as it annoyingly reflects off the lawns remaining snow. But this snow is fuckin' perfect for rolling out Frosty's lifeless sidekick. It has been years since last I frolicked in the snow, and I have no explanation as to why this is.

It isn't just snowmen either. Whatever the fuck happened to my being smack in the middle of epic snowball fights, preambled by hours of snow-fort construction? Imagine having a duel stationed out of this:

On second glance that looks like shit. Can you even go inside? Fuck a fort with no door. Give me one of these:

-acorned

Scorned Acorns: Studies have shown we are excellence incarnate

Why does every argument, fact or statement people make seem to have some obscure study proving its validity?

Case in point:

What the fuck does that even mean? Who is conducting these fucking studies, and for what purpose? And who the fuck is sanctioning them? What exactly defines research? Where is the line between a "study" and some dude walking around downtown asking random people a question? Or is that still a "study"?

The definition of study, according to "thefreedictionary.com", as a transitive verb:

1. To apply one's mind purposefully to the acquisition of knowledge or understanding of (a subject).

2. To read carefully.

3. To memorize.

4. To take (a course) at a school.

5. To inquire into; investigate.

6. To examine closely; scrutinize.

7. To give careful thought to; contemplate

I'm still not following. Where do Russian girls and Western men fall into this? I give up, maybe I will come back to this later.

Sidenote:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_common_misconceptions

I enjoyed reading that. Stumbled upon it while attempting to find studies that would support my statements here. None seem to exist. Except for some claim 90% of studies show 90% of studies are false. Onion, where are you in my time of need.

-acorned? Or was I?

Scorned Acorns and the moon's lack of bad-assery

What the fuck is up with the moon phases. Honestly who thought this shit up. New moon, full moon, waxing shit, waning shit, honestly holy shit how many of these do we need???

Then, once you think its done, theres the special-names we start with

Harvest moon

Blue moon

Holy shit! my belt buckle can hardly handle the build-up inside me on this shit. Then we start making up stories that apparently have some heavy ties to the moon.

Fucking Wolfmen and shit

Fucking lunar landings.

LIKE REALLY, MORE THAN HALF THE TIME YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THIS SHIT? WHAT MAKES IT SO GREAT

hey man, you like dirt?

yeah i guess

you like craters

they are kinda neat

you like dark sides?

well only for like 20 years

FUCK MAN YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT THIS MOON SHIT!

wow, that truly is quite the sight.

while we are at it we might as well start blaming the moon on things such as the tide and hurricanes, start naming video games after it, writing shitty books about creatures of the night that come out just to kiss little girls in high schools. Fuck might as well be 12s. (ill get to 12s later)

So pretty much heres the deal.

Stop pointing at the moon and saying 'wow it looks pretty tonight'. 

Listen, that shit is the same all the fucking time

and you only notice it once and a while because it has finally appeared out from behind the fucking clouds.

Gross.

I think the only person who thought of the moon correctly was chairface from the Tick animated series, carve his name in that shit. at least it would be something different.

the moon is old. 

Get over it

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns asks you to ignore tense for five minutes

So I just spent the better part of my morning watching the movie "Fakers" (not the 2004 Richard Janes film of the same name, much better). Start to finish. About fifteen minutes in, I had already begun to question my motives behind watching it. I was consciously aware by the thirty minute mark how bad this movie is, but I soldiered on. It was around this time I realized it was probably a Canadian movie. Not sure what gave it away. The pen with the words "Montreal Police" inscribed on it? The fact they dealt solely in Canadian twenty dollar bills? Or the fucking description being: "Three Canadian students start a counterfeiting operation that soon spins out of their control"? Regardless of what it was, at some point I was tipped off.

Anyway, the movie did have one redeeming quality. Ironically enough, this was just further proof to how bad this movie is/was. They kept referring to the unstable meth dealer as "The Lesbian". I think they explained at some point why, but I wasn't really paying attention. Lesbian dude had a sweet posse of one too. Some random rowdy black guy who leads you to believe for nearly the entire film that he only speaks French. This is until lesbo tries to shoot the annoying rich kid, misses, and lesbobuddy says "You missed! What the fuck!". Now thats fuckin' bad-ass.

So the storyline goes as follows. Shy smart guy gets caught up in spoiled cousin's owing lesbo money. So they do the obviously Canadian thing. Start printing perfectly counterfeited twenties. Some random babe¹ stumbles in on this, and joins the counterfeiting ring (but really does nothing to further it), adding a little visual spice to the mix. She was actually a babe too. In a "I'm a closet clepto, and I might be 16" sort of way (apparently she was a clepto). Shy smart dude (who by the end of the movie is an Olympian swimmer?) and pouty lips have some sex. Cuz and lez's ex girlfriend² have some sex. Actually starting to sound like a pretty good flick.

Meanwhile, this entire time, there is some sweaty (ex?) cop working at the school, who slowly figured out what was going down. Took him a little over an hour screen time, but he was pretty on the ball I'd say. He seemed a little on edge though. Maybe just a little hard done by? Anywho.

Somewhere along the way, they lose the original nine or so thousand dollars they counterfeited, so they make sixty thousand more. Not a bad rebound. Ole Methy Mr. Sapphic is involved in this second batch somehow, so of course they forget to print both sides of the bills. Just left the backs completely blank... Sounds like a pretty honest 60k mistake if you asked me. Methy, for obvious reasons, wasn't too pleased, tries to shoot cuz point blank, misses. Enter billingual black dude. Enter school cop (from where I am not sure) looking like he just hopped out of the shower. Vaseline maybe? Anyways he was good and shined up. Cop shoots Lesbian and friend. Not-so-shy-anymore guy and cousin get arrested. For some reason the cop driving the car is just a huge douchebag for the minute or so they are in said car. Enter angry fathers. Yadda Yadda Yadda (Why is spell check trying to change Yadda to either Haddah, Saddam, or Addams?). Oh, the hot chick was MIA for the last thirty minutes. Not really sure what she was up to.

Here is where I got really confused (hopefully you were following until now, but I won't bank on it). Formerly-shy dude apparently comes across a "get out of jail free" card, and goes back to being kind of shy. Cuz is facing some hard time, with bail set at twenty grand. So shy guy counterfeits a preexisting, and random as fuck, twenty grand check from his mom³, and bails slappy out. The two of them get picked up at the courthouse by pouty lips, and proceed to (maybe? they honestly don't really explain whats going on) buy a house in some other country. Cuz gets arrested for counterfeiting what look to be passports but doesn't serve time. Instead lands a cushy job with the RCMP (So maybe they are still in Canada?). They give some story about pouts getting married and using her kids to steal inconsequential items from Walmart. Finally, the main man ends up in Bolivia or some shit swimming under a fake Spanish name before "fading into obscurity". They seriously said that. Or something really similar.

All in all, a great movie. I would definitely check it out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is the second time I have seen it. Start to finish. No jokes. Also, just found out it was a TV movie. Fuck yeah! I just wrote this listening to Kim Mitchell's greatest hits. How fuckin' awesome am I right now? Fuckin' awesome, I know.

-acorned

1. She won a Leo. Not for this movie, but still. How do you top a fuckin British Columbia film and television award?

2. She is randomly scattered through the first half of the movie. I'm not really sure what her deal is though. Shes hot and in a bra for the brunt of her scenes. Not much else to say about her.

3. The mom skips town right before the opening credits. Apparently she taught timid kid some basic counterfeiting skills. A surprisingly important character.

Scorned Acorns is eating dry cereal

Fuck. I just looked in my fridge. Score! Two litre carton of Dairyland just begging to drown some Honey Nut's. So like an asshole I leave it sitting there, while I go gather myself a bowl and cereal. Spooned up and everything. Go back into my fridge, and guess what? The fuckin milk might as well be empty. Hardly enough to inconvenience me if I spilled it on the floor. No worries, its Tuesday, there must be a reinforcement carton in there somewhere right? Fuck. Nope. Now, granted, I am probably the person who put it back in the first place. But still, who the fuck does that? So here I sit, eating a bowl of dry cereal. Which isn't actually too bad. But I still have the spoon poking out of the side of the bowl, looking deflated and defeated, as I pluck each little hoop out two or three at a time.

Let me bring you back a few weeks. Had a hankering for some OJ. Opened the fridge. Fuck yeah! Pulpy goodness basking in the casual ambience that is fridge lighting. As a man whose relationship with orange juice borders on obsession, I was quite pleased with my finding. This was short-lived. There wasn't even enough in there to drip on my tongue in a pathetic attempt to satisfy, if even for a moment, my desire for a cold glass of orange juice. Again, pretty sure I put it there. I do do this alot. But honestly. Fuck that.

Scorned Acorns on waking up way to early

There are many things in life that i enjoy ( i will list them for you another day ). And sleep my friends is one of them, thats why i CANT STAND IT when i wake up at 6:52 am in the morning, all hot and bothered!

BUT MOSTLY i hate waking up to early in the morning because the world as you know it has completely changed... While you were off nestled in your bed dreaming about baby budahs being integrated into your school until giant bugs attack, and its up to you to save a tiny chiwawa.

Im not making that up... that was just the only dream i could remember... yeah.

Anyways as i was saying. As your dreaming whatever the HAY you were dreaming the world around is changing! AND SUDDENLY you wake up, and that tiny little light on your computer/fan has now for some reason become 1000 times brighter then you remember it!

But hey who cares right!? you'll just muster up the energy you have (NONE) and go block it with some clothing. OH thats right you WOULD do that if your room wasn't looking like some Black and White scary sci-fi movie where the second you get up from bed, the pile of clothing on the floor which now looks like a Gargoyle who wants your very soul will attack you!

Now it may not be a gargoyle the list includes.

• Crocodiles/Alligators
• El Diablo
• Any famous or non famous leprechaun
• A dead person
• Mary
• Some dog you don't recognize

The list continues... so submitted for the approval or the woken up way to early society I declare this story...

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns: "Dude, I got it"

To people who say they got it, when they definitely didn't have it: fuck you.

"Got it? We can stop for thirty seconds so this fridge doesn't come flying down two flights of stairs with me in tow"

"Yeah man, I'm good don't worry"...

As you and your fridge careen down two flights of stairs

Really not much more to say here.

While we are on the topic though, same goes for jokes, stories and wit infused memoirs.

"Two penguins were in a bathtub, one said 'hey, pass the soap' and the other said 'what do I look like? A Toaster?'"

....."Get it?"

"Yeah man, lolz I got that shit"

(shit eating grin and awkward, confused sway)

Get it?

-acorned

Scorned Acorns on Finding those droids your looking for

The part of the story I don't like is that the storm trooper gave up looking for the droids after an hour.

He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited.

That storm troopers gotta think 'You got a job. You got a responsibility.' If your droids get lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits.

You get your ass out there and you find those fucking droids!

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns' opinions of People who suck at Photoshop

You all fucking suck.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns has your mail

and we may have opened it

-acorned

Scorned Acorns just found a shitty blog

http://jojo-lyons.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

-acorned

Scorned Acorns and Waking up

So the human race has been around for a little while now. And thanks to Darwin and a few other capably-minded bozos we have figured out that over time we as a whole evolve. People say it is always for the better, and when we guess what futuristic aliens look like they appear with large heads to hold their giant brains and minuscule muscles as being a big dude has become obsolete.

So if this is the 'for the better', my question to the earth is this:

Why have we not yet evolved in such a fashion that would make waking up an easier chore?

It seems many other species of earth can wake up at the drop of the pin and be ready for the incoming threat that surrounds us, ( maybe an alien invasion ) but here I am trying to wake up in the morning just to get to class or to work and its like a four hour ordeal of smacking snooze buttons and running around the room to find hidden alarms only to fall back to sleep. Honestly I understand that we don't really need to fear a constant threat but my god it would be nice for someone to walk into my dreams of anna kournikova spanking me with a tennis racket and say, "Yo man, its time to get up right now." and poof eyes open and ready to go. Seriously humans, get better.

Waking up.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns and the disappearance

God damn it. Corked wine is so much cooler and more satisfying to open than this screw-top bullshit thats sweeping the globe. Seriously its about time the earth changed their minds on cloning, and started cloning some fucking cork. We would never run out. This bullshit could stop. We could all enjoy opening wine again.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns does not dig Jack Tramiel

How badass would it be to own even one of those magical objects, all worth roughly $25,000?

- A Talisman made of 18K gold, with 12 diamonds and the birthstones of the twelve Zodiac signs embedded in it.
- A Chalice made of gold and platinum, adorned with citrines, diamonds, green jade, pearls, rubies, and sapphires.
- The "Crown of Life," made of gold and encrusted with aquamarines, diamonds, green tourmalines, rubies, and sapphires.
- The "Philosopher's Stone,": a large chunk of white jade in a 18K gold box encrusted with diamonds, emeralds, citrines, and rubies.

Now, to get your hands on one of these bad boys, one had to compete in what was supposed to be a four part tournament series held by Atari in the 80's. The game series, "Swordquest", was split into four worlds (Earthworld, Fireworld, Waterworld, Airworld), and each game came with a funny little comic book needed to complete the game, and solve the puzzle. But enough background.

Oh, there was also the grand prize, which was, quite fittingly, a sword.

And it looked just like that one.


This whole thing sounds so damn cool right? Wrong. Well, it WAS cool. But wrong. Fuckin Atari only released the first three games, of which two held their tournaments. Thats crap. You are telling me Atari went through all the trouble of advertising this, having the Crown, Philosopher's Stone and Ultimate Destruktor Sword made, then said "aww fuck this", gave some spiel about gaming economy and rage quit?

Fuck you, your sword and your Kia Rio Jack Tramiel.

He totally owns a Kia¹ Rio.


Side note: If you really wish to own (steal) either the chalice or talisman, find some dudes name Michael Rideout and Steven Bell, respectively.
-acorned


1. Don't get too cozy Kia.

Scorned Acorns on old men with tools.

Screw any nice old man with a tool, No way in hell am i getting anywhere near that scene.

check it.

Old man Scenario

Oh.. oh my.. isn't that sweet. A lovely old man holding his flower or some sort of weed or shrub. (its an old man, who knows) This deserves a Colon End Bracket happy face. :)... Or does it?

Not so nice now is it!? Can you honestly tell me you would approach this man if he were standing there like that?

1. Where did he get that shovel? ( bet you he doesn't know)

2. Is that his Garden? (bet you he doesn't know)

3. Why is he holding it like that?

4. And Why is he looking at you?

old men with tools. No thanks.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns and Improper Titles

God damn, this ones a doozy.
I may not even be able to finish it in one go, i may have to come back to it later with more additions, because we are surrounded by this shit.
Here's the big one. My fingers are actually dreading the movements of my fingertips as we get closer and closer to the inevitable.

Titles that lie.

I looked.
Guess what.
This store does NOT actually sell

1. Mattresses (or as we common folk call them: Beds)
2. Baths (or Tubs or Jacuzzis)

So why this store has been called this is beyond me

thats all this store should be
Beyond.

And lets just get into what "Beyond" entails.
Pizza Rollers
As seen on TV bullshit like the snuggie
stress balls
sneeze guards
george formans
like FUCK! are you kidding me?
My beliefs of 'beyond' lies in the beautiful words of a beautiful man:

Somehow, "To infinity and Pizza Rollers!" just doesnt have the same flow.


-Acorned.