Scorned Acorns has too many ideas

I think if I were to sit in front of the television with a pencil and a pad of paper, the number of scorns that would require acorning would be extravagantly exhausting. Just sitting here for thirty minutes watching commercials and the KHQ news team my blood has began to boil. I am not from spokane, but if their news is on, I'm not about to look left and right for the remote to change the channel. All of my knowledge of american journalism is pretty much summed into what I have heard via the internet in the past few years.
1. CNN = corrupt. (I don't understand why, no one ever seems to want to clarify.)
2. FOX = garbage. (Yeah, I've seen clips, seems silly.)
So you can imagine that I had only the highest hopes for the level of the  KHQ spokane news team, and their coverage of Amanda Knox's return to the United States after four years of (determined) wrongful imprisonment   in Italy. What did they talk about? Depressingly, whether or not she was going to get a book deal or sign a movie contract. Fuck. Is this really relevant? Is this really necessary? Fuck. I got angry. I know her family is in severe financial debt, but really, how starstruck is the US right now? I always think people are over exaggerating when they harp on the states, but fuck, this one is really hard to defend. Is mass media really this Jaded? Do we really need all those 'contact us on facebook and twitter' reminders running along the bottom of the screen? I'm asking too many questions. I'm just trying to get my brain around what is happening. In the whole half hour news update, there wasn't any mention of the protests around the US right now, which I believe really aren't doing anything successful, but you would think they would get some press.
Whatever, TV sucks. They should just get around to creating the Criminal Minds channel, which just shows reruns 24 hours a day, specifically the double-episode featuring James mother fucking Van der Beek. That guy is bad ass.

No, this isn't him. But fucking Shemar is the fucking man.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns wonders what to watch

So there came a point in my life (sometime between realizing boobs and understanding South Park) where I grew weary of the Big Brother's and CSI Miami's steady prime time takeover, and quickly found comfort in the wholesome humour of Family Channel. With reruns of shows like Radio Free Roscoe, A.L.F., Kim Possible, PB&J Otter and Boy Meets World in full swing, I had discovered my fallback channel. Things only went downhill from then. Slowly at first, with a new round of shows marking the era of Life With Derek (no Boy Meets World, but watchable), Phil of the Future (Quirky, marred only by the fat, loud-mouthed kid sister of the title role) and 8 Simple Rules (a show that went entirely downhill itself after the passing of John Ritter). Still, I watched, and I enjoyed. Late night broadcasting at its finest.

It was hardly to last. Ever so suddenly these shows drowned in the wake of a seemingly abrupt program shift:

-Cory in the House? A show about Raven's (That's So Raven, Cheetah Girl etc.) fat, scheming younger brother masquerading as a drummer, alongside a slapdash cast consisting of Meena (a culturally confused, emotionally oblivious "Bahavian" immigrant), Sophie (otherwise known as "America's Angel"; an unbearable shriek of a preteen clearly written to piss me off), 'Stickler' (a gadget-wielding, pomaded, soon-to-be tweaker son of 'agent 001'), Ms. Samuels (an undersexed, middle-aged, bird-calling secretary I cannot for the life of me decide is sexy or not), Candy Smiles (enough said), redeemed only by Newt (the reincarnation of Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Chef Victor (a character written in entirety around two catchphrases), President Martinez (one of the premier characters of our age) and Becky (the assistant manager at 'Cheese In A Cup', who looks shockingly similar to Kate Miccuci of the musical duo Garfunkel and Oates).

-Suite Life on Deck? Did Suite Life of Zack and Cody really need a spin-off? All I can really say is thank fuck for Mr. Moseby and Arwin Q. Hawkhauser.

-Jonas? ...couldn't have expected much anyway. Although I do have to say, 'Lovebug', is a catchy fuckin' song.

-Hannah Montana? Didn't really have a choice but to mention it I suppose. It could be worse. Although that Mitchell Musso kids face really freaks me out. Honestly it might just be the haircut, but if he ever decides to come around my place, he runs the risk of my reflexively kidney shotting him for fear Nur-Ab-Sal has sent a lifeless demon minion to consume my flesh.

Photo courtesy of http://www.uglymales.com/wc/

-Imagination Movers! Okay, this show is fucking great. I have spent six frantic months trying to find it, solely to be reunited with the friendliest looking man I could ever imagine seeing:



-Sonny With a Chance? I really wanted to crack the wit here with my own unfortunate Sonny pun. However, I can't seem to get myself beyond 'Sonny Side Up'. Not doing it for me either. This show sucks.

-Zoey 101? Insert baby joke. Insert social commentary on the pressures of being a child star. Comments on anorexic roommate and question her necessity on the show. Cliché science geek, token black dude, oblivious principle... we have a show.

What the fuck happened? Horatio Caine, you have gained a viewer.



Ahh, feckless banter, how I have missed you so.

Sidenote: Kate Micucci actually plays the Cheese In A Cup girl. Fuck. Yes. Google - 1, Family Channel - 0. You would think Garfunkel and Oates to be a bit vulgar for family channel. Kind of like Bob Saget on Full House.



-acorned