Scorned Acorns couldn't decide whether to use 'gripes' or a clever twist of the word 'grapes' in the opening line, so put them both here instead

Hello baby corns,

Although the title alone just about suffices my recently commissioned daily writing quota, there's a much larger vat of bubbling blood on the metaphorical stove that was my computer screen a few minutes ago.

 

(Rhetorical) In your tender adolescence, did you make an internet boo-boo that is ceaselessly echoing through the halls of your adult life?

I did. And it was a doozy.

I should start by saying the true opprobrium lies within my refusal to delete music. Armed with this knowledge even as a child, I still went well beyond my better judgement and I downloaded a fucking Helloween discography. My iTunes is now the shamed bearer of 42(!) Helloween albums.

If I could turn back the hands of time, and rectify just one mistake, equipped with the infallible foresight of hindsight, would I rush back to that awkward moment shortly after I had heard the song Halloween for the first time and thought "fuck yeah, I could totally use 462 more of their songs" and wipe the slate clean? Probably not. Seems like an awful waste of precious time travel.

Just once, I would like to retain the ability to lazily scroll between Hellhammer and Hellsaw without coasting tiresomely past 2.44 GB of music I probably don't feel like listening to.

 

 Fuck you Pink Bubbles Go Ape.

I shouldn't be too harsh I suppose. I do, after all, enjoy 8 or 9 of these songs...

I think my real issue with Helloween lies more in their refusal to placate my desires for another song in the vein of Hey Lord!. Somewhere between album number 1 and 72 (yes, thank whatever it is I believe in I don't own them all), they figured it would be best to write the lone sublime pseudo-ballad, ultimately leading me to clamber for years through the hollow crypts of albums like fucking Pink Bubbles Go Ape in the now splintered hopes of finding but a glimmer of musical fecundity. The only track I can muster the courage to solicit as having dipped the same christening waters is If I Could Fly. And I'm pretty sure I'm basing that entirely off of how good that song is at being great.   

All things considered, few bands have so successfully pulled off the drawn pilgrimage of three distinct eras of mediocrity with three very distinct front-men.

-acorned

Best read listening to "Halloween" by Helloween