Scorned Acorns tries to enjoy chocolate bars

So there I was, sitting around thinking about charleston chew, and decide that my burning lust for one requires me to search it on the internet. This is what pops up:

some random broad's myspace page. the caption reads "remember me hitting a bird with a charleston chew? haha". the category is 'old memories <3'. What the fuck is this shit. This ruined a perfectly enjoyable search about chocolate bars and their deliciousness, I was innocent, and now I have a certain scorn about me that requires mention. Side note, what the fuck is the deal with these damned smaller-than-three symbols. Everyone is in love with these, they look awful. I don't use this term often, but I believe this woman is a tool. If you disagree, fuck you.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns stepped on a banana

Fuck bananas.

I know it seems like bananas are some kind of strange re-occurring topic here on the scorn, but I assure you that these damned yellow fetuses are hardly a subject of obsession, more a constant form of irritation. The first problem is that they are FUCKING DELICIOUS. Now normally this would be considered a good thing, but somehow bananas have managed to fuck that up, and I will explain in detail what I'm talking about.
Second, they are more than decently priced. I can hop down to Safeway and buy a seven-pack for like a dollar twenty three. Think about that for a second, that is a banana-a-day for a full week for fucking change. Bananas could almost be described as the one and only useful use for fucking change. I hate that shit too. Think of the amount of potassium and b12 you can get from a daily banana. That shit could fuel your entire soccer career. This however is where the problem begins. Green bananas suck. You gotta buy em and wait a couple of fucking days before they are ready to go, which leads to their biggest flaw: this 'green' phase is the only period of time in which the stability of said banana is anywhere near tactile. The second you actually want to consume a fucking banana, you wont be able to bring it anywhere without it getting fucking squished all over your backpack/lunchbag. Every time you get your hopes up like 'oh shit, its banana time' you open your bag only to find a mushy off-white substance has destroyed you daily planner. Albeit you may have  a pleasant smelling bag for approximately a day, but believe me, this shit grabs onto every fiber and sticks to it, and after 24 hours that smell can no longer be described as enjoyable.

The whole point is that bananas are created to let you down. All these pros crushed down by their simple inability to stay in one solid piece which is even enjoyable to peel. Imagine the situation mentioned earlier, bananas able to fully supply the energy for a soccer career ( and believe me, bananas fucking could single handily pull this off), however when placed alongside a ball and some cleats, the chances of physical survival is 0.013%. This would inevitably end in a sprained ankle or shattered tibia.
Meanwhile, here in Canada, some crazy company decided to finally solve all banana-related problems (keep in mind there really is only one problem with bananas), and invented something they call the BANANA-GUARD.

Its simplistic and pragmatic design solves all problems by ensuring that your banana will arrive to its destination both intact and completely non-bruised. This invention should have changed the world. Productivity and average energy of the population should have skyrocketed to near-Japanese levels. It would appear however that some fucking tool high up in some conspiracy decided that this would be too useful, and instantly began to spread bad publicity about these beautiful, beautiful devices. I remember being no older than 14, sitting on a gym floor eating a PB&muthafuckingJ sandwich and watching in awe as a peer pulled a BANANA-GUARD out of his brown paper bag.

Look at all the fucking colours this shit is availible in.

My jaw dropped as he opened it and out appeared the perfect banana. Before I managed to pull it all together, and congratulate him on his mother's ability to purchase such fine items, another boy began pointing and laughing at the guard. Many joined in, claiming it was the funniest thing they had ever seen, and jeering at him in such a way that he would never bring another banana to school again. This was the conspiracy working at full strength, spreading word of how 'uncool' it was. Fuck me that pisses me off. This is something that STATS CANADA should give out with their mandatory census, in order for every single Canadian to own one. In the absence of the BANANA-GUARD being widespread across the globe, bananas will stay as the most annoying fruit possible, for its taste/accessibility ratio. I know they have firmly grasped a place as a breakfast eat-at-home fruit, and for that I am somewhat pleased with them, but seriously, with the help of the guard, THIS SHIT COULD BE THE MOST USEFUL FOOD ON THE PLANET. Instead it just gets mushed into deliciously dry banana bread.

-Acorned

Scorned acorns on clean dishes

Why the fuck has a dishwasher company never been in cahoots with a plate/bowl manufacturer? None of that shit fits properly.

-Acorned

^thisneverhappens^

Scorned acorns is all-knowing

I see you there thinking you are some kind of intelligent being, I'll let you in on a secret. You aren't. Wait a second, it's not a secret. I guarantee that right now someone you know, knows you, or passed you by earlier is telling somebody else about your douchlike qualities. Stop thinking that you are the omnipresent gift of cool, and that everyone thinks you are some kind of 'cool cat'. You're not. Actually on that note, stop pondering about yourself in general, how self-centered and uncool is that? Introspective? Fuck that shit.
Don't even think about existing, or I'll go all Descartes on your ass.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns has socks.

People who try and be 'nice guys' piss me off. Well, in one case specifically. You know when you are opening a door to let yourself into a building, and someone is right behind you, so you hold the door for them? totally legit, I know. These people are 'real' nice guys, they don't think twice about it, it just happens and nothing more comes from it. The people that fucking piss me off are the people who are trying to fucking hard. I am like twenty steps behind them and they hold the door. This leaves me with two options:

1. Keep the pace I had previously decided to walk at.

2. Make a little hobble/jog towards them, and the awaiting open door.

Well, in case number one, which is far more comfortable for myself, I look like the asshole and he looks like a supremely nice guy. Fuck that. In the second situation, I would be spending more energy running than it would have taken to open the door all by myself like a big boy. Basically, it comes down to looking like an asshole and wasting precious energy, which the average internet blogger has in short supply.

I fucking hate all of you nice guys, fuck off and mind your own business and doors. 

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns is back, but doesn't have a base tan

Why don't I have a silky base tan? Because I spent the vast majority of the past week holed up inside with a little case of the throat-tickles. But I'm back, because we here at Scorned Acorns are tough fuckin' cookies.

Having a few solid days curled up with your thoughts breeds more than a few antagonisms with the world. First and foremost, fuck tonsils. I haven't given much thought to them in my twenty odd years, but those fuckers fight dirty. Before I even knew we had qualms, they were big, red, angry and all up in my face. Had my lymph nodes in a tizzy too. I had more neck this weekend than Corpsegrinder:

Also, fuck this tweet(poop)deck bullshit that keeps popping up on my esteemed coworkers laptop. And even as I type this, a perfect example of the dribble I am forced to close every fifteen seconds pops up to the now familiar chirping tune that accompanies it: "A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius." Fuck that. Didn't see who said it, couldn't give a shit either way.

You know what else pisses me off? When People Capitalize Every First Letter Of Every Word Of Their Sentences. Fuck That. It Gets Tiring To Read. No, This Isn't A Song Title. No, This Isn't A Long List of Proper Nouns. Remember Back When You Had That Idiot Friend Whose Phone Decided This Was A Good Setting To Have? Fuck Your Shitty Phone And Fuck You. Speaking Of Phones, Fuck Phones. More Specifically, Fuck Rogers Wireless. I Have Somehow Incurred A $700+ Phone Bill With Them Over The Past 30 Days. I Don't Recall Phoning Home From Tehran For The Past Four Weeks... So I Probably Don`t Actually Owe You Any More Than My Regular $60-$75 Balance. Feud Accepted.

I cannot get over the fact Ross Dolan of the band Immolation looks like Fabio-gone-death metal:

Guess what else sucks. Sites like www.thingsthatihate.com. With such thought provoking hostilities as Being Bored, Wishes, and Life, you know it was only a matter of time before you came across a post like:

"I’m never going to live up to my parents’ expectations. My parents are very hard on me. I feel like having a nervous break down. I’ll never be the perfect daughter."


That shouldn't be there. That's just sad. Fmylife tryout material. I have now submitted an essay to them under the Scorned Acorns moniker, directing people to the true spite and glory that is not having your own URL.

-acorned

Scorned Acorns Responds to a previous post.

In response to a fellow scorn, there is this to say:
"p.s. fuck cats" is possibly the most boring thing ever written.
That shit is hardcore. I hate people who hate cats.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns doesn't love you

Fuck obligatory replies. When did statements like "I love you" or questions like "Can you do me a favour?" become tied, respectively, to the replies "I love you too" and "depends", which in itself is more often than not a veiled yes. I probably don't love you and I definitely don't much care to watch your shitty kid while you fetch him some apple juice.

Have you ever had someone blindly lose themselves in an awkward spazz and say they love you? And to your face nonetheless! Now you leave me sitting on the asshole throne when I don't pull you close and echo your sentiments. What gives you the right to be mad when I tell you you're an idiot? Why can't a simple "thank you" suffice? Chances are you don't mean it anyway. You just found yourself a few too many bellini's deep. Or your cat just died.



And, assuming the above is true (which it is because its the only piece of supporting evidence I am going to bother using), if I don't love you, you can't love me anyway. So you actually just lied right to my face about it. Pretty harsh bro.

PS. Fuck Cats.

-acorned

Scorned acorns on the little drummer boy

Who the hell thinks a drum sounds like pa ra pa pum pum. That shit is incorrect.
-Acorned

Scorned Acorns has too many ideas

I think if I were to sit in front of the television with a pencil and a pad of paper, the number of scorns that would require acorning would be extravagantly exhausting. Just sitting here for thirty minutes watching commercials and the KHQ news team my blood has began to boil. I am not from spokane, but if their news is on, I'm not about to look left and right for the remote to change the channel. All of my knowledge of american journalism is pretty much summed into what I have heard via the internet in the past few years.
1. CNN = corrupt. (I don't understand why, no one ever seems to want to clarify.)
2. FOX = garbage. (Yeah, I've seen clips, seems silly.)
So you can imagine that I had only the highest hopes for the level of the  KHQ spokane news team, and their coverage of Amanda Knox's return to the United States after four years of (determined) wrongful imprisonment   in Italy. What did they talk about? Depressingly, whether or not she was going to get a book deal or sign a movie contract. Fuck. Is this really relevant? Is this really necessary? Fuck. I got angry. I know her family is in severe financial debt, but really, how starstruck is the US right now? I always think people are over exaggerating when they harp on the states, but fuck, this one is really hard to defend. Is mass media really this Jaded? Do we really need all those 'contact us on facebook and twitter' reminders running along the bottom of the screen? I'm asking too many questions. I'm just trying to get my brain around what is happening. In the whole half hour news update, there wasn't any mention of the protests around the US right now, which I believe really aren't doing anything successful, but you would think they would get some press.
Whatever, TV sucks. They should just get around to creating the Criminal Minds channel, which just shows reruns 24 hours a day, specifically the double-episode featuring James mother fucking Van der Beek. That guy is bad ass.

No, this isn't him. But fucking Shemar is the fucking man.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns on getting too personal?

Upon review of my last scorn, (yes, we at Scorned Acorns believe in self-evaluation and review as important parts of the existence of hate in the universe.), I have deciphered that it feels a little too much like a man releasing some hate on an ex girlfriend or something: gross. Also I would like it to be known that this is by no means some shitty sorry letter, THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY
Shit isn't personal. This isn't some Whinehouse shit right here, in no way should we be affiliated with the imagination of some crying asshole talking shit over the internet about some lost idea of love. Fuck that shit, we don't condone it and I for sure was not conveying that.
I think we need a graph.

Thank you Kid Zone Create-A-Graph, oh you are so mighty helpful.

If any offense is ever taken, I guarantee that I wanted you to get offended. Never will you see some slippery shit going down here and little nibbles taken out of people. It's all or fucking nothing. Deal with it and don't get sloppy.

Sloppy Second Jones.
Self aware and self loathed.

-Acorned

Scorned acorns is not what you thought.

You know what's fucking bull? Expectations. Lose that shit. Anything you think is gonna happen or anything you want, it ain't, and it won't.
Assumptions won't get you far with me neither fuck that shit and most likely fuck you for assuming I'm not talking about you.
-Acorned

Scorned Acorns: The king is dead

So in light of current events in my life, I have decided to come online and scorn a little place a few people like to call

Burger King...

Over the last few months I've made some decisions in life to try and better my health. One of those being to smoke a lot more mari... AHHEEM. I mean stop eating fast food, clearly. haha but actually

I found every time I finished eating a fast food meal I felt like a dog who just realized that eating his food and the cats food was a really bad idea.

I went a few months with out any fast food and it was great. But Anyways to make a long story short, Yesterday my friends and I decided a little BK might hit the spot. So with my lowered inhibitions I gave in and we all went, and as you do when you go to a fast food place, you order way to much food than you actually need so that when its later on and you and your friend are hungry you can surprise him, and bust out some extra eats!

Commence Rejoicing!

Unfortunately my story goes a little differently. When I woke up the next morning around 4am, all sleepy and hungry, I decided to walk upstairs and with out even thinking, I started eating a chicken sandwich. Sadly though, it was the grossest thing I'd ever eaten... And I couldn't even finish the damn thing. At least I filled my stomach with something I thought to myself. I got in my car and made my way to my grandmas. Once there she was going to take me to the hospital for my scheduled ACL reconstruction surgery... which I had been planning for over a year and a half.

Now If you're sitting there reading this and asking "Wait a second... uhh Andrew... aren't you not supposed to eat before an operation?"

Well then you would be correct...

And now I have to wait at least another month before they can do my ACl, which means A month of walking around with this... All thanks to the king.

Commence Facepalm...

Another good point to make here is that, well Andrew, it's kinda your fault it happened. That was pretty dumb of you...

And while I do agree, let me ask you this... If you gave up your streak of no fast food and this all happened to you, are you honestly going to tell me that every time you saw this picture you wouldn't want to physically assault someone with a whopper?

I thought so...

Consider this King Scorned.

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns on false advertising

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQi6I2yfEFg&feature=related
Fuck you Alex May
-Acorned

Scorned Acorns lives beneath the worlds largest beaver dam

And it can be seen from fucking space!

http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/story/2010/05/05/tech-largest-beaver-dam.html

There it is folks. An 850m wide monstrosity of mud and timber flooding the landscape a few hundred kilometers north of Fort Mac. According to the above article, it is estimated this rodent-engineered construction would have taken at least twenty years from ground up, which was first noticed by Google satellites a few years back. Twenty fucking years? That's all it took for a few pelts to erect a vacuum-viewed monument to the stars? Not to mention the majority, if not the entirety, of those twenty years were spent working by moonlight. Don't get me wrong, beavers are cool and all, and I suppose they do owe us a little humiliation (if not a flensing), but...

Fuck. Great Wall of China my ass. How long did that crumbling piece of shit take? Two, three hundred years during the Ming Dynasty? Successively over a few thousand years? Too many fucking zeros if you ask me. Anytime I hear something along the lines of, "Oh man can you believe humans built something like the Great Wall of China!?!?!? You can see that shit from space!", all I'm going to see is this shit-eating grin:

Look at that self-satisfied little fart. I guess I don't mean that. Scorned Acorns approves of beavers.

Aren't they great?

Scorned Acorns' eyes hurt.

Holy fucking shit.
So there i was, just browsing blogs and supporting the overly-friendly community, when i was shot in the face by this:
http://lizziemongoose.blogspot.com/
Jesus Christ. I dare you to read a paragraph and proceed to look at anything else. I feel like my retinas have been burned to damnation. I need this woman to look up a page or two about saturation, pleasing colours, and interesting content.

She claims to be doing 365 pictures (daily) of her life in 2009. I counted about 6, but it was a novel idea and a good attempt nonetheless. Shit is hard, keeping up with life and clicking pictures of it every day is definitely a ballsy move. I would think if you thought your life was interesting enough for this kind of thing to work then you would've taken a few more interesting photos, most of them don't tell us anything, there's no riveting story, no nothing,
Actually wait, there was something.
She is calling people shmucks for not leaving comments! It's right there in the header!
Well this is my comment.

Fuck your 2009. Fuck your colour scheme.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns believes Monkey's in Barrels are unrealistic.

Look at this:

Have you ever imagined this actually happening? "More fun than a barrel of monkeys?" What the shit is that about? That doesn't look fun at all! Looks to me like a bunch of shit disturbers are about to go ape on whoever put them inside that fucking oak barrel. But wait. THERE'S MORE.

This is bullshit. Monkeys would never do such a stupid thing. They wouldn't come out of a barrel, and they certainly wouldn't hang on to each other to make these giant chains...I'm envisioning a classic tale, as retold by Disney, THE MOTHER FUCKING JUNGLE BOOK. That shit was bad-ass. But even now looking back on such a beautifully crafted film I must admit it has lost a lot of respect. They are guilty of it too. All hanging off each other like as if they were best buds, stealing up strange human children relaxing on top of floating bears, the rest of the situation is totally believable, but have you ever watched monkeys in nature? that shit hates each other, its ruthless.

 The one occasion i could see something like the above (remove beard) happening would be in a case where a monkey was about to purposefully drop another to their doom. Mad respect for king Louis though.

Look at that crazy bad-ass. There's no way I'd mess with that shit, he's potentially got more swagger than Jagger.

OK bad example, but it rhymed so fuck off. I want to figure out where this assumption that monkeys do this kind of shit like its an everyday thing comes from, grab the asshole who thought it up and tear a little hole in his sack, only to shove a few marbles into it before sewing it back up. That shit would be heavy all day every day and he'd have to try and think up an explanation to explain why he's always grabbing his junk to family and friends.


I also can't help but think the Japanese are laughing at us for making such a ridiculous assumption, and have therefore flooded our market with games like "Donkey Kong", in which all you do is jump in and out of barrels. The worst part is is that those games are fucking fantastic, so I can't help but allow myself to be subject to such a cock-brained idea. I bet if I was caught off guard and someone asked me if monkey's did this kind of shit, I would answer yes, and they could go away thinking I'm an asshole. Fuck you barrel of monkeys. One sec I'm going to look a little into this.

 word historian Charles E. Funk wrote: "One monkey arouses a great deal of amusement. Two or more then double the...amusement. If one were to release a barrelful...of monkeys, we must suppose that their antics would become hilariously comical."


Who the fuck put this guy in charge? That is the worst presumption I've ever heard. I think this guy did even less sleuthing than I did! 


In closing, Fuck you and respect the monkeys.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns tells it how it is.

"Why do they have to change the layout? i like the old *http://anysite.com* better. Why are they doing this to me this is so fucking stupid?"

I am so sick of this line. You don't own social networking sites, blogging utilities, or forums. Just fucking deal with the change. It's for the better. The OWNERS would not change the layout of your favourite site because they want to screw with their fanbase. Get over yourself. 

You figured it out when you bought your fucking macbook didnt you?

figure this shit out.

Go ahead. Take two minutes to get used to it.

That or unplug your internet connection, because i got news. That shit isn't going to stay the same for more than 3 months.

Scorned Acorns Rambles about memberships

How many different memberships do you think you have in your life right now? 15? 20? 

Try more like 100. Check the graph:

Honestly, think about every store you've ever purchased anything at, chances are, you are a member. 

I mean fuck, I realized this week that apparently i have 'plum rewards' points for chapters, which i have no idea when i signed up for it, but also weird 'best buy dollars' or something...which i was aware of but had no idea that it expired, it takes 30 days for it to come into play and then it only lasts 30 days...what the fuck is the point of this system in the first place? i just don't get it. They don't even tell you what its good for.

Congratulations! you have 675 plum points!

Fuck i hope that means i also have (hidden somewhere) 914 banana points. I got to be honest here i don't eat many plums, they never tickled my fancy but if I get 914 free bananas at some point in my life then i think i'd be pretty pleased about my purchases at banana republic. 

ON TOP OF THIS what the hell do plums have to do with a book store? i really don't get any of this.

What ever happened to good old fashioned promotions like paper Canadian Tire money, every one has thirty five cents, and never uses it, but gad damn it looks great in a wallet doesnt it? 

I'm scared to know how many random stores have my phone number or email address on file for the one time i purchased something tiny from their stupid place yet had to know my information. Get it over with already, put a chip in my thumb and let that track me and be my bank account, at least that will at least make me feel like a cyborg. 

Wow talk about ramble. sorry about this. 

Fuck you gumby.

                                          

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns wonders what to watch

So there came a point in my life (sometime between realizing boobs and understanding South Park) where I grew weary of the Big Brother's and CSI Miami's steady prime time takeover, and quickly found comfort in the wholesome humour of Family Channel. With reruns of shows like Radio Free Roscoe, A.L.F., Kim Possible, PB&J Otter and Boy Meets World in full swing, I had discovered my fallback channel. Things only went downhill from then. Slowly at first, with a new round of shows marking the era of Life With Derek (no Boy Meets World, but watchable), Phil of the Future (Quirky, marred only by the fat, loud-mouthed kid sister of the title role) and 8 Simple Rules (a show that went entirely downhill itself after the passing of John Ritter). Still, I watched, and I enjoyed. Late night broadcasting at its finest.

It was hardly to last. Ever so suddenly these shows drowned in the wake of a seemingly abrupt program shift:

-Cory in the House? A show about Raven's (That's So Raven, Cheetah Girl etc.) fat, scheming younger brother masquerading as a drummer, alongside a slapdash cast consisting of Meena (a culturally confused, emotionally oblivious "Bahavian" immigrant), Sophie (otherwise known as "America's Angel"; an unbearable shriek of a preteen clearly written to piss me off), 'Stickler' (a gadget-wielding, pomaded, soon-to-be tweaker son of 'agent 001'), Ms. Samuels (an undersexed, middle-aged, bird-calling secretary I cannot for the life of me decide is sexy or not), Candy Smiles (enough said), redeemed only by Newt (the reincarnation of Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Chef Victor (a character written in entirety around two catchphrases), President Martinez (one of the premier characters of our age) and Becky (the assistant manager at 'Cheese In A Cup', who looks shockingly similar to Kate Miccuci of the musical duo Garfunkel and Oates).

-Suite Life on Deck? Did Suite Life of Zack and Cody really need a spin-off? All I can really say is thank fuck for Mr. Moseby and Arwin Q. Hawkhauser.

-Jonas? ...couldn't have expected much anyway. Although I do have to say, 'Lovebug', is a catchy fuckin' song.

-Hannah Montana? Didn't really have a choice but to mention it I suppose. It could be worse. Although that Mitchell Musso kids face really freaks me out. Honestly it might just be the haircut, but if he ever decides to come around my place, he runs the risk of my reflexively kidney shotting him for fear Nur-Ab-Sal has sent a lifeless demon minion to consume my flesh.

Photo courtesy of http://www.uglymales.com/wc/

-Imagination Movers! Okay, this show is fucking great. I have spent six frantic months trying to find it, solely to be reunited with the friendliest looking man I could ever imagine seeing:



-Sonny With a Chance? I really wanted to crack the wit here with my own unfortunate Sonny pun. However, I can't seem to get myself beyond 'Sonny Side Up'. Not doing it for me either. This show sucks.

-Zoey 101? Insert baby joke. Insert social commentary on the pressures of being a child star. Comments on anorexic roommate and question her necessity on the show. Cliché science geek, token black dude, oblivious principle... we have a show.

What the fuck happened? Horatio Caine, you have gained a viewer.



Ahh, feckless banter, how I have missed you so.

Sidenote: Kate Micucci actually plays the Cheese In A Cup girl. Fuck. Yes. Google - 1, Family Channel - 0. You would think Garfunkel and Oates to be a bit vulgar for family channel. Kind of like Bob Saget on Full House.



-acorned

Scorned Acorns on pause buttons

I would just like to take this time to thank you for taking center stage.



You can just see it written all over his face:
"This is my moment, my moment"


-acorned

Scorned Acorns: Pu pid. les ar zz e Stu

Interesting guy #1 - Hey man, what are you up to?

Interesting guy #2 - Meh, just working on this puzzle, wanna help?

Interesting guy #1 - Uhh... Yeah bro! lets do it up.

Interesting guy #2 - Dude.. what are you doing, find the corners and then do the sides first.

Interesting guy #1 - Oh okay yea for sure.

Interesting guy #2 - Okay why would that piece go there? look at the box. put that one in this pile.

Interesting guy #1 - Oh, ha yea my bad man, my bad.

Interesting guy #2 - okay you can't just jam them in your going to ruin it.

Interesting guy #1 - sorry man, i thought it was gonna fit.

Interesting guy #2 - Okay fine man, but your busting up my puzzle so... come on.

Interesting guy #1 - Okay okay, didn't think it would be that big of deal sorry.

Interesting guy #2 - Yeah well, my mom got this for me alright?

Has this or anything like this ever happened to you?

Well if it has your not alone...

Im not here to bash on puzzles boards, I actually like puzzles, most of them anyways.

But isn't it odd how there seems to be this un written rule on how to actually go about completing them? And if you don't know these rules then you are officially a jack ass.

Did the first fucking puzzle ever made come with a damn instruction pamphlet in it? explaining how to do puzzles, because if so, i will gladly retract everything I'm about to say! Did I miss this class in my life course in Junior high? Or when I went to pre-school did my teacher peg me as a jack ass from day 1 and decide to not even bother?

"Oh there goes little chappell... oh.. oh aww, he just tripped on his shoelace. Well, ill just put this puzzle away... "

Fuck it...Im just going to start framing all my 4 x 4 kinder puzzles, and start hanging them on my wall.

Interesting guy #1 - Its a fucking kinder surprise..

BAMM!

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns doesn't like bananas anyway

Two very similar, very distracting incidents have occurred recently involving the word 'banana'. The first dire occasion came not two weeks ago at work, when I asked my esteemed coworker Daniel to jot down a reminder list of tools for his crew the upcoming week. Afterwards, I asked young Daniel if I could glance his list to ensure I had not left out anything of importance. He offered me back a borderline illegible wet mess of paper reading something similar to:

- Half-moons
- Power-edgers
- Underlay
- Pins/staples
- Hammers
- Bannana Knife

Bannana knife? Are you kidding me. Fuck. Didn't even have the heart to call him out on it. This brings me to no more than fifteen minutes ago, when, entirely upon an unsubstantiated whim, I plugged "birthday cards" into the google image search engine, and after a minute or two of scrolling, up popped:



Fucking bannana!
How discouragingly serendipitous the finding of this second 'bannana' has been.

Scorned Acorns states its position on most things

-Acorned.

Scorned Acorns vs the hair situation

How did hair come to this?
Think about it, I'm talking cro magnon here, it all started as a means to contain a little extra heat right? then for some reason the renaissance hit and everyone decided it would be better to wear someone elses hair because it was in the fashion to have some long ass white curls in order to impress each other. Come to think of it I'm not sure if it was even real human hair, it may have been some that belonged to an old horse, or fake hair made from god knows what, and it's said it was to help with the smell of bi-annual washed bodies, but still the thought makes me shiver. Then what happened? the fucking 80s.

Corey fucking Feldman. Goddamn.
So, now it happens that we live in the twenty first fucking century, in which the original purpose for hair seems to have dwindled since its pretty easy to find a toque these days and slap it on, and now we feel it necessary to cut it at least once a month in order to stay 'fashionable'. So, what could possibly follow all this up? Perhaps someone who could probably sell each strand of perfect hair for a cool million? well, yup, you guessed it.

The Bieber.

Women (typically of the <12 variety) flock to this man (and to his hair) like he is destined to be the next Tom Selleck (which is one moustache this page will never disgrace). My point is that it's bullshit. And what's worse is that he knows it. He recently cut it all off. And my problem with it? I KNOW ABOUT IT. SO DOES LIKE HALF THE FUCKING WORLD. Fuck. why?
Fuck you hair.

You know what else? I just realized that bald men everywhere are in the exact opposite situation but are still freaking out about their lack of hair because they can't go get it cut once a month. Fuck.
Hair is fucking up everyones shit right now.
It's going to take over.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns read it in a big book

Contrary to popular opinion.

Scorned Acorns wishes to put their balled hand against your nostril, with velocity.

Lets just pretend for a second. You are just born. You push your way out into the world only to find your eyes and mouth filled with sand. You take several groggy steps to find your legs. It is fully expected of you to be able to crawl. You push your frail body a few inches towards a loud rumble in the distance. A few of your brothers and sisters are making those same first steps. In a matter of minutes, thousands upon thousands of tiny creatures exactly like yourself are popping out from the sand in utter chaos and confusion. Your instincts are driving you towards the crash in the distance. Overhead, screams of alarm are issued by something you cannot see nor comprehend. Fear encompasses your entire being. You frantically push yourself forwards, faster and faster. All around, an orgy of noise and violence. Streaking white flashes condescend to the ground, plucking your brothers and sisters by the hundreds. Their terrified screams fill your ears as they are consumed by a swarm of winged mongrels. The Luftwaffe above dives and dives again, somehow missing you, as you continue to pump your tiny body. The rumble is closer and closer. Soon, yet somehow not soon enough, you feel a cold, refreshing, wet underneath you. One of the lucky few, you are free to swim freely into the ocean.

Sea Turtles have a rough childhood.
You do not.
Fuck yourself.

Scorned Acorns vs Wisdom Teeth

See those things coming in from behind? YEAH, wisdom teeth baby.
Hey, guess what else, THEY ARE NATURAL.
Humans tend to grow these things after being alive for a little while.
Twenty-First Century humans tend to grow these things, get freaked out, yank them, and then complain about the pain because there are two gaping holes where they once were. But hey, good thing you avoided all that unnecessary pressure that was no doubt going to eventually push on the rest of your teeth because your jaw isn't capable of handling something it has been growing for a couple millennium. Sounds like a cash grab to me, but it would appear that most people actually get worried if you tell them you still have yours.
"you know that your teeth are gonna get crooked and hurt right?"
Well, when and if that happens I'll deal with it, kind of like how I expect to deal with old age and other NATURAL sensations in life.
I'm not sure if i've made any sense up until this point, so i figure this is a perfect moment to segue into this:

wat.

I found this while doing research on this wisdom teeth topic. Yes, we at Scorned Acorns internet sleuth before posting, and this is sometimes what we are given in return for our hard work.
What the fuck does a cat have to do with wisdom teeth.
And why is it brushing its teeth with a toothbrush?
And why is the internet plagued with these sorts of images. Everyone makes fun of cat photos on the internet, but they still seem to appear in throngs.
I imagine there must be like two guys in a basement somewhere taking photos of their grandma's cats in non-cat positions and posting them online thinking they will lead the revolution against the government's oppressive ways in lieu to cats.

What?
I keep losing my train of thought.
Too much background noise.

-Acorned

Scorned Acorns on this fake acorn.

This acorn is clearly a fake. its a hoax. Fuck that shit. If someone didn't know what an acorn was and they searched acorn on google this would show up and they would be forever given a false knowledge of what an acorn is.

Representations of acorns is not worthy of acorning within the acorn. Acorns.

-Acorned.